Normal Is Not An Option

Words Fail Me

2011-09-17T18:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when I'm trying to explain the church of Christ and its negative effect on my life to my friends who didn't grow up in it, I feel as if I'm no longer speaking English. The words I'm saying simply don't compute with them. For example, they can't even imagine a church that rejects instrumental music, or refuses to celebrate Easter, or doesn't have a food pantry or give money to a homeless shelter. That's what a church IS to them. It's the very definition of a Christian religious body. Sometimes they don't even believe me and think that I'm pulling their leg. And who could blame them? The COC is so bizarre and insular and out of touch with reality that it seems like a bad joke.

This is one of the reasons I'm so grateful for the ex-Church of Christ support board (the link is to the right of this post). There are people on that board who actually speak my language, who grew up in the COC and know what a bizarre little world it is. I've been a member of that board for years, and it saved my sanity. I don't feel so alone in my struggles after escaping from the church. We disagree on many things, but it's comforting and refreshing to know that there are others out there who get where I'm coming from, who can share their own stories (many of which are far worse than mine--at least my parents weren't abusive, even if some of the ministers and elders were) and commiserate with my church-related problems.

What Was the Point of Pentecost?

2011-06-12T13:08:00.000-07:00

Today is Pentecost Sunday--not that you'd know it in a church of Christ. I don't know about the mainline or liberal congregations, but the conservative non-institutional branch of the COC emphatically does not observe the church calendar in any fashion. A Sunday is a Sunday is a Sunday, all the same, forever and ever, world without end, amen.

Thus, it's always fun for me to observe the changes that occur at my new congregation as the liturgical year progresses. In honor of Pentecost, the decorations, candles, and vestments are red, symbolizing the tongues of fire that hovered over the disciples on the very first Pentecost. The readings, songs, and sermon are all about the Spirit and how it inspires us to love our fellow humans and gives us power to do good in the world.

Such talk of the Spirit would be shockingly out of place in the COC where I grew up. I remember that sermons on the Holy Spirit were few and far between, and they tended to be more about what the Spirit does NOT do today, such as impart gifts of healing, prophecy, and speaking in tongues, since the COC teaches that the age of miracles ended when the last of the Apostles died. More than teaching about the Spirit, the sermons were a reaction against the Pentecostal churches and their "emotionalism" and "disorderly" worship services, where people got up and clapped and were "slain in the Spirit." (Funny thing, though--I don't think any of those preachers ever actually went to a Pentecostal church. It was all rumor and hearsay. For all I know, such church services are quiet and sedate.)

Also, the preachers and elders got really nervous if someone brought up the subject of "indwelling of the Spirit" and would quickly squash any talk of feeling "directed by the Spirit" or "moved by the Spirit" as false teaching. No one ever went so far as to say that the Spirit is no longer active today, but they would say that it is active indirectly, through the Bible, that the Spirit doesn't deal with us directly and that all revelation by the Spirit ended with the Apostles. In essence, the Spirit is the "silent partner" of the Trinity (or Godhead, as the COC prefers to say)--it's there but doesn't do much of anything.

But if you read the Bible, that's not what Jesus promised his disciples when he spoke of sending the Advocate. In John 14:15-17 Jesus says, "If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate, to be with you forever. This is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, because he abides with you, and he will be in you." Right there, Jesus says that (a) the Spirit will be with us forever, not just until the end of the Apostolic age, and (b) he will abide with you and be "in you", which to me means that this will be a direct relationship, not an indirect one filtered through writings or a book. I'm not claiming to understand exactly what Jesus meant by the Spirit being "in us", but the COC has a hard time explaining it away, which I think is why they try to avoid the subject of the Holy Spirit at all costs.

I've brought this up before, but I really think the COC avoids talking about the Spirit because it collectively fears the Spirit. The Spirit is mysterious and unseen and doesn't seem to have clearly defined "duties" in the Godhead, as the Father and Son do. It can't be put it into a neatly labeled little box. So they don't want to know or think about it because...I don't know...it might cause them to question their church traditions and doctrines, or open their minds to new ideas, or open their hearts to someone who doesn't fit their narrow idea of what a Christian can or should be. And all of this is incredibly sad, because by cutting themselves off from the Spirit, they become a church without spirit, just going through the motions without any joy or love in what they do.

So, to get back to the title of this post: what was the point of Pentecost? In the COC, there really isn't one. It was just one of many miracles designed to bring believers to the faith, nothing special or interesting beyond that. But I disagree. This wasn't just a display of power. The Spirit revealed itself in spectacular fashion, breathing life into the nascent church, and inspiring the disciples to preach the word in spite of persecution and engage in incredibly generous acts of charity. And far from being the "silent partner" the COC envisions, the Spirit is the guiding force in the church today, teaching us compassion and love and opening our eyes to injustices around us. Again, I don't claim to be a theologian or understand how this all works, but I know it does, which is perhaps a little bit of the Spirit dwelling in me.

Happy 2011!

2011-01-01T15:04:00.001-08:00

Just wanted to wish everyone a healthy and prosperous new year. Hope you had a lovely holiday season, however you chose to celebrate.

Giving Thanks Today

2010-11-25T12:18:00.000-08:00

Hope y'all are enjoying the holiday. I'm getting ready to go to a friend's house for dinner, so this post will be brief. What am I most thankful for this year? Well, among (many) other things, I'm thankful I have friends who want to see me and spend time with me because they actually like me, not because we get together and play church 3x weekly. I'm thankful to have a job, especially after being laid off for most of last year. I'm thankful for my family's good health. And I'm especially thankful for the freedom I have in Christ--the freedom from the destructive legalism of the COC. It's been almost a decade since I decided I had to leave, although it took me a few years to actually escape. I'm so much happier and life has been a lot easier since I stopped judging and started loving. The freedom to love others without constraint--that's one of the greatest blessings of all. Happy Thanksgiving!

Front-Row Seats in the Theater of the Absurd

2010-07-14T15:31:00.000-07:00

Once in a blue moon I attend a COC, usually when I visit elderly relatives who are deeply involved in it. Now that I've been away from it for so long and have had a taste of the calm beauty and reverence of a liturgical service, the COC services just seem weirdly absurd to me. It's as if they're playing at church, checking off a list as they make their way through the Five Acts of Worship (sing, pray, give, communion, and sermon) to punch their heavenly time cards. It's rushed, chaotic (I addressed the underlying chaos of the COC in an earlier post), arid, and Spirit-less. And in the end, it's all futile, because they really don't believe that anyone will get into heaven, because getting into heaven requires perfection, which is impossible. So why even bother? Why go through those motions thrice weekly just on a 1-to-million shot that god will be in a good mood when you die and NOT condemn you to the eternal flames? Why not just enjoy your life and be happy? It's all absurd, when you really think about it.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

2010-06-17T16:29:00.000-07:00

The title of this post pretty much sums up my policy with regard to my family and the COC. I've never told them that I left the COC, and they've never asked me about it. I think they just assume that I'm still going, possibly because I've never criticized the church in front of them or expressed my doubts about it.

For a long time I felt weird about this, as if I'm deceiving them. But where is it written that full disclosure is obligatory with your family? If I'm an adult living on my own and paying my own way, then aren't I entitled to a certain amount of privacy? Also, am I not allowed to make my own decisions regarding church and faith without explanation or apology? My conscience is clear in that I know what I believe and why I believe it.

Furthermore, what purpose would it serve to tell my family, especially the elderly ones who are deeply entrenched in the COC? It would just upset them, and it's not as if there's even a remote possibility of having a meaningful, reasonable dialogue on the issue. There would just be anger and recrimination and emotional pleas for me not to endanger my salvation--and theirs, by extension, since they'll believe that they failed in my religious education and will be held accountable. No, my life is stressful enough as it is. I don't need a COC-related family psychodrama on top of everything else.

...But Do Not Have Love...

2010-03-20T06:41:00.000-07:00

I used to do daily Bible reading when I was in the COC, but after I had read the whole book cover-to-cover about a dozen times, I was more than a little burnt out. Now I pretty much limit my Bible reading to the lectionary readings each Sunday. So this year, instead of giving up something for Lent, I decided to add daily Bible reading to my routine for the 40 days leading up to Easter. I found an online lectionary and downloaded daily readings specifically for Lent, and I've really enjoyed it so far.

Yesterday's epistle reading included the first 3 verses of I Corinthians chapter 13:
"If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing."

I had never really contemplated these 3 verses alone; usually, they're read as merely the prelude to the rest of the chapter, which is Paul's famous definition of love--the one they often read at weddings ("Love is patient, love is kind...."). As I read these verses yesterday, it dawned on me that Paul is describing the key problem with the church of Christ--they have no love. That's not to say that there aren't individuals in the church who are loving and kind, but as a group, the church is not founded on love, it is founded on anger, fear, and judgment. If you follow Paul's argument to its logical conclusion, then I think it's safe to say that, without love, the COC is a hollow shell, with the form but not the substance of Christianity, and everything it does is futile.

I remember when I was still involved with the COC that, whenever the topic of love came up in the adult Bible classes, people would get very uncomfortable and they rushed through it as quickly as possible. They much preferred to talk about Paul's "morality lists" in Galatians chapter 5. After all these years, I think I understand why--they're terrified of love because they can't quantify or control it. Love is a force beyond all reckoning, capable of tearing down all the barriers they build between themselves and each other and between the church and the rest of the world, and they need those barriers to prop up their fantasy of being the only true Christians.

Conditional Parental Love

2010-01-02T16:25:00.000-08:00

In recent, separate discussions with both of my siblings, they have mentioned the fact that it makes them sad that our surviving parent's love for us isn't unconditional, which is the ideal for parental love. As is often the case, unfortunately, the "good parent" (i.e., the one who DID love us unconditionally) died far too young and left us to deal with a parent whose judging of us usually gets in the way of loving us.

Ideally, your parents will love and accept you no matter who you are or what you do. But in our family's case, love and acceptance are predicated on adherence to the COC's rigid rules. If we were to let our true thoughts and beliefs (and the fact that we've all left the church) be known, we would be cast out and disowned. In fact, that has already happened with one of my siblings, so the rest of us hide our true selves. Our parent will never know who we really are, because our true selves would be abhorrent.

I won't blame the entire situation on the COC's doctrines (my parent had a rough childhood and never experienced unconditional love from my grandparents), but those doctrines have definitely exacerbated the problem. It seems to me that any religion that teaches parents to withhold love from their kids is sick and twisted. A healthy religion respects people's individuality and right to make their own choices, but the COC doesn't. It's yet another reason why I left and will never go back. It has irrevocably damaged our family, and I can't forgive or forget that.

Why Is the COC Obsessed with Marriage?

2009-11-12T15:23:00.000-08:00

In all my years in the COC, I lost count of all the sermons and classes we had on "the family." Typically, such classes and sermons were just a rehashing and reinforcement of the strict gender roles described by Paul's letters: the husband is the head of the wife, and she's supposed to be obedient to him, and the kids in turn are supposed to obey the parents. If it was a ladies only class, you can bet we studied the "godly woman" described in Proverbs chapter 31, ad nauseum.

The COC's doctrine about the family isn't complicated, but we had to go over it again and again and again. I wondered why at the time, but now I realize that the church and its patriarchal structure were threatened by the rise of feminism in the 1970s. Thus, they felt compelled to harp on this one subject endlessly, to prop up their gender hierarchy.

This emphasis on strict gender roles means that the ideal in the COC is that everyone is married. And if you reach the ripe old age of 25 without having marched down the aisle, it's assumed that something is "wrong" with you. If you're a man, people will assume that you're gay but firmly in the closet for fear of being disfellowshipped. If you're a woman, people might assume you're a lesbian, but they're more likely to think that you're just way too picky and should lower your ridiculously high standards for a man.

While I was still in it, the COC's obsession with marriage was irritating to me, because I never married and was ostracized and/or condescendingly pitied for it. Now that I'm out, though, I find it more than a little amusing. I mean, think about it: the founders of Christianity, Jesus and Paul, were both single men. Why was it OK for them to be single, but not me? If being single is an unnatural state (something I heard preached from the pulpit more than once), then I guess Jesus and Paul both were both "unnatural," too.

For women, though, it's a double whammy, and we get the bulk of the snotty remarks and hairy side-eyes. According to the COC, our only Scripture-approved purpose in life is to marry and have babies. If we fail to do that, then we have failed at life itself--we are utterly useless human beings--and are in danger of going to hell. Furthermore, unmarried women are seen as somewhat "dangerous" in the COC because we don't have a man to keep us in line. Also, there's uneasiness about single women and their sexuality that manifests itself as fear that we'll either (a) get pregnant out of wedlock or (b) lead a god-fearing married man astray with our feminine wiles.

I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with getting married. If you really love someone and want to spend your lives together, go ahead and god bless. But it's not right for everyone, and some of us just may never meet the right person. And that should be OK, too.

COC's Rules of Biblical Interpretation

2009-07-31T14:33:00.000-07:00

Someone posted this on the ex-Church of Christ board: http://www.christistheway.com/2006/20060701c.html.

I don't have much to add except to comment that it's absolutely the truth. This is exactly how every COC I ever attended approached the scriptures. None of those congregations ever wrote it down, however. I'm amazed that this group would put this out here on the Internet for anyone to read, since these rules are usually part of the unspoken creed of the COC and are used to fluster and bamboozle anyone who dares to argue with the COC's interpretation of the Bible.

OK, I do have two comments. Rule #4, "Do Not Do "Proof Text" Study. Study to find what to believe; do not study to prove what you already believe," makes me laugh, because proof-texting is all the COC does! And rule #22, "Be willing to learn from others, but do not accept their explanations uncritically," sounds great in theory, but in practice, you'd better accept what the COC preachers and elders say without question, or you'll get yourself disfellowshipped tout suite.

The further away I get from the crazy, the crazier it seems to me. Wow. Just wow.

Blog Neglect and Other Junk

2009-05-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

I feel badly that I've neglected this poor little blog for so long. Life threw me some curve balls recently, and I've had to deal with a lot of unexpected crises. But things are a bit calmer now, so I thought I'd pop in for an update.

I have to confess, however, that I don't feel the need to blog as often as I used to. This has been good therapy for me, to help me work out some of the residual emotional issues of growing up in a controlling, cultish environment. But I feel that I've moved past some of those issues and no longer need to vent my spleen about them. I'm sure that other issues will come up in the future, but for the moment, I'm content with my life and my choice to leave the COC.

It's Hard to Know What to Believe

2009-02-21T13:52:00.000-08:00

A fellow ex-COC-er and I have had this same conversation over and over again: we don't know what to believe any more, all we know is that we don't believe in the COC. We don't believe that the COC is the one true church. We don't believe that the COC has all the answers. And most important, we don't believe that the COC has any authority over our lives and has no authority to condemn us for our lack of belief.

The problem is that, after ridding ourselves of the negativity of the COC, it's hard to find something to replace it with. After all those years of fear- and guilt-based indoctrination in a literalist interpretation of the Bible, it's hard to think rationally about doctrine, to decide what you truly can and can't accept, because you're afraid that, if you make the wrong decision, you're condemning yourself.

One big question we both wrestle with is whether there's an afterlife and if so, is there a good place and a bad place and who is going to end up where? The COC worships an angry and vengeful god who is going to condemn pretty much everybody who ever lived to Hell. There is no mercy in the COC. Instead, you have to be perfect at every moment, which of course is impossible. Being in the COC and believing in an unmerciful god makes for a joyless, miserable existence, because it's pretty much granted that you have only the slimmest hopes of salvation. I firmly reject that belief, but what can I believe instead?

The part of me that's grounded in science and reason says that the afterlife is just the way that our species copes with our inevitable doom. We're the only animal on the planet that understands and knows it will die, but we can't accept something as terrifying as personal extinction, so we make up stories of an afterlife to comfort ourselves.

On the other hand, the part of me that appreciates the wonder and mystery of the universe thinks it's possible that there is something beyond what our five senses can perceive, and that we are more than just our physical bodies--that we have a soul or spirit or essence that will live on after the body dies. But where does that disembodied soul reside? In some supernatural realm where we'll be judged for what we've done in our bodies? In the hearts of the people we leave behind, who remember us (we hope) fondly? Or do we cease to be individual souls and instead are reunited with the invisible forces that fill the universe? These are the questions that drive me insane.

Lately, however, I've been trying to put that aside and focus on one thing: love. I believe that love is the force that drives the universe. Even the Bible says that God is love. I believe that love is never wrong. It's never wrong to love someone, and it's never wrong to behave in a loving manner. Those are the only two absolutes I can accept right now. And I hope that no matter what awaits in the afterlife, if anything, that love will also reign there and that my actions, which have been guided by love, will be judged favorably.

My People Perish for a Lack of Knowledge (Hosea 4:6)

2009-01-17T15:44:00.001-08:00

A point of pride for the church of Christ is that, unlike people in the denominations, its members "know" their Bibles. Reading the Bible, both as a group during worship service and individually at home, is stressed a great deal. Since the Bible is the key to salvation, it behooves us to know it inside and out, forward and backward. And we're always supposed to be able to give "a ready answer" (i.e., quote Scripture) to anyone who questions our faith. So most COCers will read their Bibles diligently, if for no other reason than to fill in the blanks in the Bible class workbooks and not get blindsided when the teacher calls on them to answer a question during class.

Unfortunately, it has been my observation that the average person in the COC doesn't really know the Bible that well in the first place. Most people only read what the preacher tells them to read and have never read the entire book. They ignore the difficult or uncomfortable passages and stick to their tried-and-true proof texts that reassure them that the church of Christ is the one true church.

Furthermore, I would suggest that knowing the Bible and understanding it are two very different things. It's one thing to be able to spout scripture at the drop of a hat, but it's another thing entirely to be able to contemplate the scriptures in quietness, not to answer workbook questions, but as a starting point for meditation on deeper issues. The COC tends to stick to the superficial issues, such as the morality checklists in Paul's epistles, and never delves into anything more substantive, such as the nature of God or the mysteries of grace.

The problem with the way they understand the Bible is the way that they read and interpret the Bible. When the only permissible interpretation is a strictly literal one, then anything deeper is automatically off limits. Even the poetry of the Psalms has to be interpreted in a strictly literal manner. No symbolism or metaphor is allowed. In addition, interpretations are never allowed to change or grow as the person matures and gains life experiences and wisdom. This makes the Bible a static, dead document instead of the Living Word. Thus, the scriptures are robbed of most of their power, and the readers are denied a deeper understanding. The people indeed perish for a lack of knowledge, with a dead book to guide their dead faith and understanding.

The Only Thing to Fear Is...Everything

2008-12-27T16:09:00.001-08:00

Recently on the ex-Church of Christ support group forum, one of the members commented that the culture of the COC is one of fear, not love. For example, the COC uses fear to keep people in line. The fear of being disfellowshipped hangs over everyone who fails to adhere strictly to the party line, and if your whole family and social life are associated with the church, that can be a powerful inducement to keeping your mouth shut, because you know that you'll lose everyone you love if you're disfellowshipped and shunned by the church.

Fear is also the primary emotion expressed by members of the church. Everyone I knew in the COC is constantly living in fear--fear of accidentally sinning and going to hell, fear of causing someone else to sin and going to hell, fear of not raising their kids right and going to hell, ad nauseum. In fact, I would say that most COC-ers are afraid of life itself. They're afraid of anything that's messy, that's not black-and-white, that's uncertain--and life itself is messy, uncertain, and lived mostly in the gray areas. It's no way to live.

I constantly was afraid when I was involved with the COC, even when I was a child. We lived near a railroad, and every time a train whistle blew in the middle of the night, I would wake up in a cold sweat, fearing that it was the Last Trumpet and that Judgment Day was at hand. I was terrified that I was going to hell for some minor infraction or forgotten sin, because the COC taught us that God would have no mercy on us if we weren't absolutely perfect at every single moment of every single day. Leaving the COC and getting past that constant fear of judgment is one of the healthiest things I've ever done for myself. Now that I've let go of the fear, I'm free to love other people truly, and without judgment.

Fear distorts every word, every interaction within the COC. Even the Bible is interpreted in the most fearful, negative way possible, with none of the love and comfort that other churches allow you to glean from the scriptures. The COC is notorious for being proud of knowing the Bible but they don't really understand it. If people in the COC would read the Bible with an open heart and not just use it for proof-texting, I think they'd see that fear is not the appropriate response to God and is counterproductive to being a Christian:

"God is love, and those who abide in love abide in God, and God abides in them. Love has been perfected among us in this: that we may have boldness on the day of judgment, because as he is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear; for fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not reached perfection in love."
I John 4: 16-18

You're in the COC: Authenticity Is Not Allowed

2008-11-22T15:20:00.001-08:00

One thing I noticed while growing up in the COC is that the church does not allow people to be themselves, to live an authentic life and express the best of themselves. Instead, everyone must conform to the church's idea of proper behavior, ideas, and emotions or risk being labeled as "wayward" or even sinful. As a result, people in the COC are forced to wear a false front and not express their most authentic selves. You can't express your true feelings or thoughts because they might contradict church doctrine or undermine the authority of the elders and deacons (or "the men of the church" if there are no elders or deacons).

One way that the church suppresses personal authenticity is by strictly enforcing very rigid gender roles. Women with leadership skills are pushed down and relegated to a subordinate role, while men without those skills are forced to play public leadership roles to which they're ill suited. It's just assumed that a man will always be a better leader than a woman, even when the empirical evidence indicates otherwise. Women are expected to marry, have children, and stay at home, even if they would actually be better executives or nurses or airline pilots. Men are expected to marry and support a family, even if they are more nurturing and would be better suited to staying home and caring for the children. In the end, what you want for your life doesn't matter--the COC has already mapped out the trajectory of your life, and you deviate at your peril.

On a more personal level, I learned the hard way very early in my life that I could never be honest about what I read or listened to or watched for fear of causing trouble/being judged/making my parents look bad. And it's not as if I was reading anything Satanic or pornographic. But if there was anything in a book that went beyond the Bible or rote repetition of COC doctrines and traditions, it was looked up on with suspicion that it might "turn me away" from the church. They really had no reason to worry about what novels I read, because it was reading the Bible that ultimately turned me away from the COC. Leaving the COC gave me the freedom to forge an authentic life that expresses my true self. It's a work in progress, but at least I can actually do the work without risking constant judgment, criticism, and condemnation.

Negativity

2008-10-11T08:56:00.000-07:00

One of the many things that eventually drove me away from the Church of Christ is that it is a negative religion with a negative view of the world and of human nature. It's a negative religion because it defines Christianity in terms of what you don't and can't do (e.g., drinking, smoking, gambling, and dancing) instead of positive actions and attitudes (e.g., volunteering, giving money to charity, having a loving attitude, or visiting the sick).

The COC has a negative view of the world because it believes that the world is hopelessly corrupt and beyond redemption. They're just waiting for Jesus to come back and destroy it and all the sinners with fire. This is one reason why they deny global warming and deride environmentalists. Why bother trying to save the earth when God will destroy it soon anyway?

The COC also has a negative view of human nature and interprets everyone's actions in the worst possible light. In fact, it's safe to say that the COC assumes the worst about human nature. They believe that people will never do what’s right except under threat of punishment. This attitude stunts spiritual growth because one is never allowed to move beyond the moral level of a child and learn to form one's own moral code.

In terms of Kohlberg’s stages of moral development, most folks in the COC are at level 2 (i.e., do what's right to get a reward) or 3 (i.e., do what's right so other people will think you're a good person). There are a few people who are at level 4 (i.e., do what's right because it's your duty), but they are rare. Anyone who moves beyond into level 5 is pretty much destined to be “marked” as a troublemaker. Such spiritual and moral growth shows independent thought, which is forbidden. People who can move to the next stage are a threat to church authority because they don’t need external validation from the church's leaders and can form their own moral code. This also undermines the very purpose of the COC, which is not to encourage moral or spiritual growth but to perpetuate itself and to exert social control.

The Bible Is a Cosmic Puzzle, and Only the COC Has the Answers

2008-08-23T14:50:00.001-07:00

People in the church of Christ believe that one's salvation depends on correctly interpreting scripture. If you don't interpret it correctly, then you won't know which pattern of worship is correct and which rules to follow. The COC believes that there is only one correct interpretation and that it is the only church in possession of that correct interpretation. However, the COC in any form didn't exist before 1801, the year of the Cane Ridge revival, which marked the beginning of the Restoration Movement headed by Alexander Campbell and Barton Stone. No one who came before them, save for the apostles and their immediate successors, had the correct interpretation of scripture. Thus, nearly 2000 years of Christian history and tradition count for nothing and everyone who lived and died during that period died in sin.

If there is only one correct interpretation of scripture, how do we know which is correct? Why didn't God explicitly tell us which one is the correct one? Why did God let humanity live in error and sin for almost 2000 years without revealing the correct interpretation of the Bible? If there's no way to know for certain which interpretation of the Bible is correct, then how can god judge us for misunderstanding it?

This insistence on correct interpretation and perfect knowledge negates faith and God's grace. It also negates god's mercy. It makes the Bible a cosmic puzzle with no discernible answers and it makes God a cosmic trickster, who is setting us up for certain failure. I don't believe in such a god. I believe in a God of mercy and grace who loves us as we are and forgives us for our inherently imperfect and incomplete knowledge.

I Don't Dread Sundays Any More

2008-08-03T12:21:00.001-07:00

I'll be perfectly honest: the whole time I was attending the COC I absolutely dreaded Sundays. When I was a kid, every Saturday night was a let-down because we couldn't do anything fun. We had to make sure our Bible lessons were done, take a bath, and get to bed early. And I spent the whole evening dreading the next day.

Sundays were extremely stressful, with Dad yelling at us to get up and get dressed so we could head to church and be there super early so we could greet everyone else. I hated it. I didn't like greeting everyone. I just wanted to be left alone. Then we had Bible class (what other denominations call "Sunday School"), which was usually excruciatingly boring, although sometimes it could be exceedingly irritating as well, depending on who the teacher was. My classmates were always obnoxious.

Then we went out into the auditorium for the actual church service, which again was boring. Even as an adult, I rarely found the sermons to be engaging or uplifting. Once in a great while we'd have an interesting guest preacher.

When we finally got out, we went home and ate. Sunday dinner was the highlight of the week, because Mom would go all out with cooking something nice. But after lunch, the rest of the afternoon was a wash because we had just a couple of hours between lunch and the time we had to head back to church for the evening service. Again, we could never go anywhere or do anything on Sundays because church ate up the whole day.

So it was back to church for evening worship, which again was boring and exhausting. I always felt drained, not uplifted or encouraged, by the end of the day. Then we'd go home and eat leftovers from lunch. And then you had to get ready for school or work the next day. I hated that routine.

Now that I've left the COC, Sundays are a pleasure. First, I go to church when I wish to do so. I do go most Sundays, but if I don't feel well or if my heart just isn't in it, I stay home--guilt free. Second, there's only one church service in the morning, and it's short and sweet, so I have the rest of the day to relax or get together with friends or just take a nap if I want to. Third, I actually enjoy the service. It's beautiful and uplifting and makes me feel invigorated and ready for the rest of my week. Now I look forward to Sundays with pleasure, not dread, and that makes the rest of my life that much more pleasant, as well.

Random Musings about the COC

2008-07-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

Long time, no post. I've been kicking around a lot of ideas for topics I could address but couldn't settle on any one in particular. So here, for your reading pleasure, are some things I've been pondering lately.

1. Why is the COC obsessed with the way things were in the 1950s? I can't tell you how many times I heard preachers reference the 50s as some sort of golden age to which society needs to return. The primary reason, of course, is that the era predated the feminist revolution. Most middle-class women didn't work back then. They stayed at home, cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the kids. Men went out and earned the living, which gave them the right to be the boss at home. Gender roles were very strictly defined in society at large, so folks in the COC fit right in...which leads to my next point.

The 50s were a time of strict conformity with social norms, and the COC loves conformity. No one is allowed an independent thought or attitude. Those who don't fit in are quickly "marked" and eventually kicked out on some trumped up charge of sin, usually the sin of "sowing discord among brethren." That's just code for, "Refuses to drink the Kool-Ade." If only they could turn back time (or society) and go back to the 50s, the folks in the COC would be happy...or maybe less angry all the time.

2. Why is the COC so afraid to talk about and study the Holy Spirit and the concept of the "indwelling" of the Spirit? I think it's because of their rabid fear of emotionalism, which is tied to their hatred of the Pentecostal movement, which they consider heresy. But back to the emotionalism--the COC likes to believe that its doctrines are based solely on reason and that feelings and emotions are not to be trusted because they could be misleading.

Doesn't it occur to them that their reasoning could be misleading, as well? What if their reasoning is based on faulty premises or plauged with logical fallacies? What if, in some cases, you don't have any evidence to reason from but have to make a "gut" decision? Should you never trust your instincts or feelings at all? The result of this denial of emotion is a religion that is rigid and cold and that offers no joy or peace or comfort...and didn't Jesus say that he would send the Holy Spirit to comfort us? If we're not even allowed to take advantage of that comfort and enjoy our spirituality, then what's the point? We're spiritually dead.

3. Why does church attendance trump everything else? In the COC, it doesn't matter how good a person you are or how many wonderful things you do to help others: if you do not attend all the church services, you are an unfaithful Christian and are going to hell. Missed church to volunteer at a homeless shelter? Doesn't matter. You should have been at church uplifting the other saints with your presence. Are you struggling to make a living and occasionally have to work Sunday nights? They don't care; you just need to find a different job, even if it pays less, so that you can assemble with the saints.

Conversely, in the COC it doesn't matter if you're a rotten person, just as long as your butt is in the pew every time the door is open. I'm dead serious about this. I've known some awful people in that church--liars, gossips, abusive spouses/parents, backstabbers, and outright jerks--but if they showed up for every service, they were deemed "faithful Christians." I really don't get this obsession with attendance. Is it merely the social control aspect (i.e., if you're here at church, then we know where you are and can keep an eye on you) or is it because there are no other criteria by which to judge one's faithfulness (since the COC doesn't really believe in charity)? (Not that they should be judging each other's faithfulness, in the first place.) Whatever the reason, it's insane.

Of course I think it's a good thing to go to church, but no one should feel pressured or bullied into it. If your heart isn't in it, why bother? You probably won't get much out of it. And sometimes life just intervenes and church attendance simply isn't possible. But the COC refuses to acknowledge that life is messy and cut people any slack, which is probably one of the many reasons why their membership is literally dying out.

A Concordance Approach to the Scriptures

2008-06-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

I found the passage below at http://www.culthelp.info while I was looking for information on the International Church of Christ.

Quote:

Like Campbell, the Churches of Christ also viewed the Bible as a collection of facts. Common was a "concordance approach" to the Bible which indiscriminately strung together New Testament texts based on the appearance of a single English word or phrase with little or no regard for the historical context, the author's intention, or the literary form or function. [112] Thus, disconnected texts could be strung together into codified doctrinal "facts."

For with this method the New Testament became essentially a law book or divine constitution for the church, with most of the doctrinal "facts" reduced to a level of equal importance. The Bible became atomized, broken up into separate little bits of doctrine which could be codified into law. It became a document filled with workable formulas, neat blueprints, a document above all eminently rational and suited, many thought, to the new scientific way of knowing. [113]

This view of the Bible had consequences not only for the mainline Churches of Christ, but also for the Boston Movement, which would also emphasize doctrinal perfection and human performance.

The focus began to fall heavily on obeying the laws, building by the blueprint, working the formulas, and knowing all the right "facts," in short, upon human knowledge and performance. [114]

Reading this passage was a light-bulb moment for me. It helps explain so much of what's wrong with the COC and its approach to scripture. First, the concordance/blueprint approach essentially negates the role of faith. What faith does it take to follow a blueprint? If we believe that salvation can be earned through performing certain acts and following certain rules, then we are being saved by works, not faith.

Second, this approach negates God's grace. If salvation is merely a matter of human knowledge and performance of a set of rules, then God has no role to play in our salvation. Again, we are earning it entirely through works, through punching our time cards in the church.

Third, the concordance approach is the reason why people in the COC have to engage in tortuous mental gymnastics to reconcile scriptures that contradict each other--because they're taking things out of context and comparing apples to oranges. They have failed to realize that just because the same word appears in two verses does not mean that those verses are talking about the same thing. Those two verses were probably written hundreds of years apart in very different socioeconomic and political climates, and unless you are a student of ancient Hebrew and Greek, you have no idea whether the words that were translated the same into English actually referred to the same thing in the original language. Pinning your salvation on a concordance is a perilous thing...

Why Even Bother with the Lord's Prayer?

2008-06-22T09:59:00.000-07:00

Here's something I've never understood about the church of Christ: they make a big point of teaching kids the Lord's prayer and making them memorize it. I remember earning an extra gold star on my Bible class attendance chart for being able to recite it from memory.

However, the congregation never recites the prayer during worship service and, in fact, they argue that the prayer is no longer valid today. They claim that the line "thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven" makes the prayer invalid for today, because God's will was accomplished in 33 AD with the founding of the church. Since there is no more for Christ to accomplish here on earth, there is no reason to make that particular petition to God.

They say that the prayer is simply a model on which we are to base our own personal prayers. But again, why bother teaching kids to memorize it if it's so unimportant?

I think the real reason they reject the prayer's validity is their rabid anti-Catholicism. It's the same reason they reject crosses and crucifixes and stained glass windows. There is no scriptural reason to do so. But if the Catholics do it, then the COC will reject it, even when it makes no sense at all.

Discrepancies and Contradictions in the Bible

2008-06-01T15:31:00.000-07:00

One of the primary doctrines of the church of Christ is that the Bible is perfect, with no contradictions or discrepancies, and that every word of the Bible is literally true and able to be proven scientifically. I believed this when I was young. But when I started reading the Bible for myself, word for word and not just the passages I needed to read to fill out the workbook for my Bible class, I saw that there are indeed discrepancies in the Bible. Here are a few examples.

1. Job 26:7 says that the earth hangs upon nothing. Psalm 104:5 says that the earth sits on a foundation (some translations say "pillar") that can't be moved. If we must view these verses literally, instead of poetically or metaphorically, then one of them must be wrong because their assertions contradict each other.

2. There are a few discrepancies in the accounts of Paul's conversion on the road to Damascus. Acts 9:7 says that Paul's companions could hear the voice that was talking to him but saw nothing. Acts 22:9 says that the companions saw the light but didn't hear the voice.

3. Did David's son Absalom have children? In II Samuel 14:27, it says that Absalom had three sons and a daughter, but II Samuel 18:18 says that Absalom set up a monument to himself because he had no children to carry on his name.

4. Is sexual intercourse during menstruation wrong? Leviticus 15:24 says that it merely causes uncleanness for seven days. Leviticus 18:19 forbids it outright but does not specify a punishment, and Leviticus 20:18 says it's a capital offense and that both parties must be executed.

That's just a sample of contradictions I've noticed in reading the Bible. The thing is, if we are allowed to interpret passages nonliterally (e.g., as metaphor, as poetry, as symbolism), then those discrepancies don't matter because they are no longer issues of doctrine. It's only when we're boxed into a literal interpretation with no wiggle room that it becomes problematic. Discrepancies must be resolved because there can only be one true and right way to interpret the scriptures. The COC could stop wasting all that time on trying to resolve the unresolvable discrepancies in the Bible if only it would admit that there might be more than one acceptable way to look at each passage and at the Bible as a whole...but then that would be an admission that other churches could be right in their interpretations, and the COC will never concede that point.

By Their Fruits You Shall Know Them

2008-04-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

The title of this post comes directly from the Bible, the words of Jesus himself. I believe it's true. If you want to know about someone's character, look at that person's actions (fruit) not the person's words. The same is true of groups, including churches. So let's apply this logic to the COC. What are their fruits?

In my hometown, the COC had a reputation for being an angry, contentious group. The members would get upset and split the congregation, over and over, for the most trivial of reasons. The church also had a reputation for being judgmental, small-minded, and bigoted. Why was the church's image in the community so negative?

The primary reason for this was because the members of the church were arrogant and haughty, because they believed themselves to be the only true Christians and, thus, the only ones who will be saved on Judgment Day.

Another reason is that the church refused to offer charity to those in need beyond its own four walls (and even then they were stingy). Thus, the church gained a reputation for being ungenerous and harsh.

Finally, the church's insistence on aggressive proselytizing and trying to poach members from other churches meant that it was constantly in an antagonistic position toward everyone else in town. When people found out you were a member of the COC, they backed away slowly for fear that you'd start Bible-thumping in their faces.

The funny (and yet sad) thing is that this negative image of the COC isn't limited to my hometown. I've seen it everywhere I go, so it couldn't be limited to just that one dysfunctional congregation. By their fruits you shall know them, and the fruits of the COC--discord, anger, bitterness, miserliness, and meanness of the soul--are rotten.

The CoC and Money (Again)

2008-04-12T19:59:00.000-07:00

Awhile back I documented the COC's attitude toward charity and noted that basically it uses the money it collects each Sunday to perpetuate itself, not to help people in need. Now I want to disclose another of the COC's dirty little secrets regarding money: If you give a lot of it to your local congregation, you can (almost) get away with murder.

Most COC congregations, especially the anti ones, are very small, in part because they have a habit of splitting every time someone looks at someone else cross-eyed. Thus, they skate on thin ice financially, simply because there aren't enough people to give the money that allows the church to function. Also, the core demographic of the COC is aging and dying rapidly, and the elderly folks are usually on fixed incomes and can't spare much for the Sunday collection plate.

As a result, if you're one of the rare COC members who can afford to give liberally, your generosity will be rewarded by fawning preachers and elders who will look the other way when you sin and will never risk offending you for fear that you'll get upset and take your fat checkbook to another congregation. Everyone else in the congregation (and their children) will be held to the strictest standards of conduct, but you'll be allowed to miss services whenever you want, attend R-rated movies without question, and patronize restaurants that serve alcohol without comment. Your children will be able to take swimming lessons, wear shorts, and even attend the prom--all activities that those poor cheapskates will be told are forbidden. Just keep the money coming, and no questions will be asked.

Of course, the COC will deny that it shows favoritism to its wealthier members, but I have witnessed this behavior first hand at multiple congregations. The people who give the most are never questioned or scrutinized like the rest of us. Furthermore, because they control the purse strings, they usually get their way whenever there is a dispute. No one is rude enough to say it out loud, but everyone knows that they're paying for the party, so they get to call the tunes.

If the COC were an official denomination with a hierarchy that could impose some checks and balances and scrutinize the books, this wouldn't be such a problem, but as long as each congregation is financially independent, the folks with cash will be in charge, for good or ill.

All Aboard for the Dysfunction Junction!

2008-03-09T09:48:00.000-07:00

The one constant I noticed in all the COC congregations I attended is that most people in that church have serious boundary issues. You are never allowed to have a private life or hold opinions that differ from those of the majority. Before and after every church service, during the "visiting time," you will be subjected to an interrogation far worse than anything the KGB or CIA could cook up. Why weren't you at Bible study last week? You looked bored during the sermon--did you disagree with what the preacher said? I noticed that you failed to stand up during the final prayer--is your back bothering you? If you are cagey or just refuse to answer the questions, you'll be accused of being unloving, unfaithful, insincere, and secretive. And they will start watching you for tell-tale signs of sin so that they can pounce on you and shame you into repenting of...whatever crazy, trivial thing it is they think you've done wrong.

So I always answered their intrusive questions, but in the most generic terms possible. It's safe to say that nobody in all the congregations I attended really ever knew me. Even among the few people whom I considered to be friends, I was never completely honest. I certainly couldn't voice my doubts about the legitimacy of the COC, because you never knew who would rat you out to the elders of the congregation. From what I've read about fascism in Europe and other totalitarian societies and groups, growing up in the COC was a very similar experience. We just never had the threat of physical harm. But psychologically and socially, they could destroy you. I sometimes wonder how many other people there were like me, who were doubting and questioning but who couldn't admit it and instead kept up the facade just to avoid scrutiny and persecution.

Even now, years after leaving the dysfunction junction, I still have that tendency to be secretive and to withhold my true self from other people. And I suppose I'll always have trust issues...which is probably one of the reasons why I don't date much, unfortunately. But at least I'm aware of it and am trying to make progress and put all the insanity behind me. Every now and then I think about the few decent, nonjudgmental people who are still there, and I wonder whether any of them recognize how messed up the COC culture is and, if so, how they cope with it or rationalize it to themselves. I never could. I just had to hop on the first train outta town.

History of the History-Less

2008-02-06T15:04:00.000-08:00

Despite the fact that there is zero historical evidence of its existence before the Cane Ridge, Kentucky, revival of 1801, the church of Christ teaches that it is the one true church, founded by Jesus in 33 AD. Usually, the narrative goes something like this: "The true church was founded by Jesus and then hopelessly corrupted and apostasized by the Council of Nicea in the fourth century, when the Roman Catholic church was founded. The true church went underground until 1801 when it was restored to its pure form by Alexander Campbell." Of course, this is all rubbish.

The truth is that the COC is just one of many American churches, including the Jehovah's Witnesses and the Mormon church, founded during the Second Great Awakening at the beginning of the 19th century. Its true history can be found in this marvelous book by Richard T. Hughes, Reviving the Ancient Faith: The Story of Churches of Christ in America. Hughes draws on the writings of Campbell himself, as well as the COC bishop-editors who followed him, in delineating the story of this peculiar people.

I grew up in a COC and never knew most of the information contained in this book, in part because the COC actively suppresses its own history and, in fact, denies that it has one. People really believe that it has ever been thus and don't realize the changes the church has undergone in the last 200 years. For example, I remember being taught that premilennialism was a sin, but the COC was premilennial until Word War I. A few influential bishop-editors took it upon themselves to change that and did so through their tracts, pamphlets, and newsletters. I also never understood why there are all-black and all-white COCs but very few integrated ones; the book has a lengthy chapter explaining how this happened.

If you've ever wondered where the COC came from and where it's going, Hughes's book is for you. It can be a bit dry at times, but I still found it fascinating and came away with a much deeper understanding of my religious heritage and the true history of this odd little sect.

In the COC, Charity Begins (and Ends) at Home

2007-12-09T11:31:00.000-08:00

This is the time of year when people think about giving to their favorite charities, so I thought I'd comment on the COC's doctrines regarding the church and money. Every Sunday morning they pass around the collection plate, usually around the same time that they have the communion. The man presiding over the service will make a remark about how the money is used to continue the work of the church and often will read Paul's instructions regarding the collection in I Corinthians 16:1-3.

So week after week, people put their hard-earned money into the collection plate. Where does that money go? What is the work of the church, according to the COC? In a nutshell, the work of the church is to perpetuate itself, to make new converts and save as many souls as possible. So how is the money used to that end?

First, most of it goes to pay the preacher, despite Paul's comment in II Thessalonians 3:6-9 that he refused to accept a salary from the church and continued to work in his secular job for pay, in order to set a good example. Second, a lot of it goes toward maintaining the church building or meeting place: they pay the mortgage or rent, the utility bills, and any other maintenance costs. Of course, the first Christians, whom the COC claims to imitate, didn't have to spend their money on these things, because they usually met in members' homes. Finally, money is spent on materials for the Bible classes--books, workbooks, DVDs, PowerPoints, and visual aids for the children's classes.

If there is any money left over after these expenses are paid, a congregation might decide to send support to a preacher in a poorer area whose congregation can't support him or to one who is on a missionary trip overseas. Only rarely does the COC give money to a person who simply needs it, and when they do, it's only to fellow COC members. The COC will not give money to anyone outside the church. They cite the fact that Paul's instructions in I Corinthians were regarding a collection of money to be given to needy saints in Jerusalem and that he didn't "authorize" a collection for anyone else outside the church.

However, in II Corinthians 9:11-13, Paul writes, "You will be enriched in every way for your great generosity, which will produce thanksgiving to God through us; for the rendering of this ministry not only supplies the needs of the saints but also overflows with many thanksgivings to God. Through the testing of this ministry you glorify God by your obedience to the confession of the gospel of Christ and by the generosity of your sharing with them and with all others... [emphasis mine]." In this passage, the word "them" is clearly referring to the saints (i.e., fellow Christians), but to whom does the phrase "all others" refer? Obviously, it's referring to people who were not saints--to people in the community who were simply needy. In fact, we know from history that the first Christians were well known for their generosity to everyone, no matter their religion. So why does the COC think it can now make such a distinction? Jesus said to give to everyone who asks, and the COC disobeys this command at every turn.

Years ago I attended a rather large congregation that posted its quarterly financial statements on the bulletin board for anyone to read. One quarter, in the "Benevolence" column of the statement there was a big fat zero. One of the older sisters collared a deacon and asked him why the church hadn't given any money in benevolence when it had tens of thousands of dollars just sitting in the bank. He said, "We didn't know of anyone who needed help." She replied, "How can you say that when you know full well that there are elderly people in this congregation who have trouble paying their bills? Why didn't we help them?" He said, "Well, they didn't ask for help." She said, "So do we only help people when they ask? They shouldn't have to ask!" He turned around and walked away without saying another word, and the money continues to sit in the bank, and people who desperately need help are not ever going to get it from the COC.

A Few Good Things About the COC

2007-11-24T19:08:00.000-08:00

So far I've posted some very negative things about the COC, and, for the most part, growing up in that church was a negative experience. However, as with most things in life, it wasn't completely bad. Some aspects of it ultimately had a positive impact on my life.

First, there was definitely a sense of community in the church. People really looked out for each other and came together during times of trouble. When someone lost a job, people passed the hat to help the family get by. When someone was ill, people sent cards, called, and visited in the hospital. When someone died, people sent flowers and food and passed the hat again to help pay for the funeral. My own family was the beneficiary of this kindness during some very difficult times, and I'll always be grateful for that. It was a big comfort to me to know that this big social safety net was there for us.

Second, the church taught me to view religious claims and leaders with a healthy dose of skepticism. We were taught to question religious beliefs and compare them to the scriptures to see whether they matched up. Of course, I'm sure my former Sunday school teachers would be appalled to learn that I eventually turned that skepticism on the COC itself, but learning to think critically has helped me be on guard against charlatans and snake oil salesmen in every realm of life, not just religion.

Finally, being part of the "peculiar people" that is the COC meant that I was an outcast in school. It was horrible for me at the time, but in retrospect I realize that it helped me grow into a very independent person. I learned early on not to care about what other people think of me. I learned that I can stand alone and be my own person and that I don't need validation from people who don't have my best interests at heart. I'm grateful for those lessons in self-reliance that I never would have had if I had grown up in a "normal" church.

If Faith Without Works Is Dead, Then the COC Is 6 Feet Under

2007-10-28T15:08:00.000-07:00

Folks in the COC love to quote James 2:26: "For just as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is also dead." They primarily use this verse to attack Calvinism, specifically the doctrines of irresistible grace and unlimited atonement. Frankly, I don't know enough about Calvinism to know whether this attack is even valid, but that's how I've heard this verse used time and again. They'll say things like, "You can't just sit back and wait for God to save you. You have to do your part, too!" But what does the COC mean by "works"? What works are we supposed to do to prove that we have faith and to save ourselves?

In my experience, the COC usually defines works negatively, as things Christians refrain from doing, such as drinking, dancing, smoking, gambling, swearing, watching R-rated movies, and wearing immodest clothing. The only works that are defined positively (as actions to be performed) are being baptized, trying to convert others to the COC, and attending every worship service, where you must participate in the 5 acts of worship (singing, praying, giving your money to the church, listening to the sermon, and taking communion).

Nothing is said about charity in the larger community and performing good deeds apart from working within the church (for example, teaching children's classes, cleaning the building, or providing the communion elements). In fact, doing volunteer work or donating to charities other than the church is highly suspect in the COC. If the sole mission of the church is to convert more people (i.e., perpetuate itself), then any money or effort or time you give to another organization is akin to robbing the church of those things.

I wish the COC would read the entire book of James, because if you jump back a chapter, James tells us exactly what works we should be doing to prove our faith. Chapter 1 verse 27 reads, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." The COC likes the second half of that verse, because it ties in with the concept of negative works, but glosses over the first half. I guess it's just easier to sit back and judge the world than it is to get out there and try to make the world a better place, which is one of the many reasons I believe the COC is spiritually dead and completely beyond resuscitation.

Mary Winkler and the COC

2007-08-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

The Mary Winkler murder case is a textbook illustration of the problem of being a woman in the church of Christ--married too young, with too many kids and not enough education or financial resources. In watching the coverage of the case by the mainstream media, I've been frustrated by the fact that they gloss over the COC's hardline stance on divorce, because I think that's the ultimate reason why she killed him, in addition to the alleged abuse.

(I suppose this is where I should insert my disclaimer that I do NOT condone what she did by any means and I think she should have served a lot more time than she did. I wish she had found the courage to take the bolder step of divorcing her husband rather than committing a horrible crime and robbing her children of their father.)

Anyway, I've mentioned in previous posts that the COC teaches that women are completely subordinate to men. It is spoken from the pulpit over and over that the only completely acceptable role for a woman to play is that of submissive, obedient wife and loving mother. Anything else a woman does is highly suspect and will be punished, one way or another.

How does the COC enforce these rules? Well, I like to refer to the COC as the soft Taliban. No one will hurl a rock at a woman for failing to fulfill her assigned role in life, but her fellow churchgoers will use gossip and the threat of shunning to keep her in line. Do you have an education beyond an associates degree at a COC-approved Bible college? Everyone will tell you that men don't want to marry women who are better educated than themselves. Older than 25 and not married? People will whisper that maybe you're a lesbian and will not include you in their social activities. Married but don't have children? People will speculate that you're sterile and too poor to adopt a child. Find fulfillment in your career? People will grumble about how you should be at home taking care of your kids and husband (or, if you're single, how you should be focusing on finding a Christian man to marry, rather than climbing the corporate ladder).

Once a woman in the COC marries, she essentially cedes control of her life to her husband. I'm not talking about the compromises and adjustments that all couples need to make in order to get along. I mean that she no longer is supposed to have any agency whatsoever. The husband is the undisputed head of the household and she is not allowed to question his authority or to leave him.

Even if the husband is verbally or physically abusive, divorce is not allowed. A woman who divorces her husband for any reason except adultery (and she'd better have incontrovertible proof that he actually did the deed--photographs and videotape are preferable) will be kicked out of the church. And anyone who helps her, even her own family, will also come under scrutiny and will most likely be kicked out as well (some churches are a little more flexible than others on this second point).

In the view of the COC, divorce is the worst possible sin, even worse than murder. They'll forgive you for murder, but not for divorce. I think it's because murder involves just one man, but divorce upsets the entire social order. It's the ultimate rebellion on the part of a woman to refuse to submit to her husband by leaving him. If the husband is the one initiating the divorce, then he's abdicating his god-given role as the leader of the household by leaving the woman alone and in charge.

So this is the milieu in which Mary Winkler grew up. As someone who had been thoroughly indoctrinated in the COC from her birth, she knew that divorce was not an option for her. She would have lost her entire social network, including her extended family. I certainly could be wrong, but I believe that in her mind, the only way out of that marriage was to kill her husband or kill herself. Again, I wish she had found the courage to break out of that COC mindset and find another way, but what I wish even more is that the COC would admit its role in the tragedy--how it forces people to put up a front and be dishonest about their true feelings, desires, struggles, and problems and how it mistreats and grinds down women and, ultimately, breaks their spirits.

I Don't Care What They Say--The COC Is a Denomination

2007-07-29T10:14:00.000-07:00

OK, I'll concede that the COC doesn't have the formal structure of a denomination. There is no national or regional council or synod that determines what goes on in the congregations. Individual congregations do not have to report their budgets or anything like that to an overseeing body of any kind. However, there is an informal network of preachers, deacons, and elders that meets and shares ideas on how to run things. I call them the COC Cabal. Furthermore, nowadays most congregations like to hire preachers who've had at least a little formal training, and since all the preachers go to the same Bible colleges and are taught by the same professors, they're all pretty much guaranteed to preach the same things, whether they're in the upper Midwest or the buckle of the Bible Belt. Every COC I've ever attended, no matter where in the United States, has used the King James Bible, the Sacred Selections song book, and has conducted its service in the same way. It's uncanny.

The COC also engages in some practices that mark it as a denomination. For example, if you move from one area to another and need to switch churches, you need to get a letter of recommendation from your current elders/deacons to give to the elders/deacons at the new church. They have to vouch for you and confirm that you're a member in good standing or you won't be allowed to place membership at the new congregation. No mention of any such practice appears in the Bible, which the COC claims to follow to the letter.

If you have gotten into trouble at your current COC congregation, that trouble will follow you everywhere. Once you're disfellowshipped by one group, you'll be disfellowshipped by all of them because either your current elders will send a letter to other churches denouncing you or the news will just get around through the grapevine. Either way, if the churches were truly independent of each other, this wouldn't be an issue.

Finally, another denominational practice of the COC is insisting that congregations call themselves "the church of Christ." They point to a verse in Romans 16 as justification for using this name. There's nothing wrong with the name, but the early Christians didn't name their churches at all. Paul's letters usually referred to churches by the names of their city or by the name of the person in whose house the church met. There was no formal name for any congregation. But according to the COC, if you don't use their name, your congregation can't possibly be biblically sound.

The COC may not be a denomination de juris, but it's certainly one de facto--no matter how much they scream and yell to the contrary. The evidence just doesn't support their position.

Independence Day

2007-07-04T07:59:00.000-07:00

Leaving the church of Christ was a dizzying, disorienting experience, partly because I had never had such a degree of personal freedom before. The whole point of that church is restriction, and most of their doctrine is a never-ending list of dos and don'ts (mostly don'ts). In honor of Independence Day, here is my Declaration of Independence from the COC.

Since I have left the COC, I am now free of:
--harsh judgment and withering criticism,
--hypocrisy and the need to put up a false front,
--restrictions on my service to God because of my gender,
--fear of being condemned for my flaws,
--enforced conformity to a lifestyle that is wrong for me, and
--being forced to shut down my intellect in order to believe.

In turn, I am now free to:
--accept my flaws and my humanity,
--love other people openly and without reservation,
--enjoy my life without fear of condemnation,
--accept God's grace and love without hesitation,
--reach out and be active in the community, and
--explore theology without restrictions.

It's good to be free.

The COC and the Mormons

2007-06-16T19:10:00.001-07:00

I meant to post about this a long time ago but forgot. Anyway, if you saw the PBS special on the Mormons, you may have noticed a reference to one of the early LDS founders, Sidney Rigdon. Turns out, he started in the COC, along with Alexander Campbell, but grew disillusioned with AC and glommed onto Joseph Smith instead. For me, it's just further proof that the COC has more in common with the Mormons, the Jehovah's Witnesses, and other non-Christian sects that originated during the 19th century than it does with Christianity at large, since all those movements traded people back and forth for many years. Anyway, if you didn't get a chance to watch the Mormons special on PBS, you can watch it online. You should also read Under the Banner of Heaven for a riveting history of the Fundamentalist Latter Day Saints, the ones who still practice polygamy.

I Just Couldn't Check My Brain at the Door

2007-05-04T19:33:00.000-07:00

When people ask me how I finally got out of the COC, the short answer is that I reached a point where I simply couldn't check my brain at the door. When I was very small, I believed whatever they told me without question because I had no external knowledge or frame of reference. But as I got older, I started to experience a certain amount of cognitive dissonance. Like Neo in the first "Matrix" movie, I sensed that something was wrong but had no words to name or explain it. One of the things I sensed was the inherent hypocrisy of the COC: they talk about love, but tear each other down, they talk about mercy and forgiveness but judge each other harshly, they talk about charity but don't reach out to the community, and so forth. Another thing I sensed, more and more as I went to school and learned about the world, was the intellectual dishonesty of COC doctrines. If you want to be a COC member in good standing, then you are forced to accept things you know can't possibly be true.

So I developed a set of "church beliefs" and a set of "real-world beliefs." Church beliefs included believing in 6 literal days of creation, whereas at school, I learned about evolution and dinosaurs and the geological evidence for the earth being much older than 6000 years. At church, we believed in an alternate history of Christianity, one in which the true church was in hiding while the rest of the world followed the Roman Catholic apostasy for 1500 years. The harshest clash of the two worlds was regarding gender roles; the COC teaches that gender roles are determined by God and that women are subordinate to men, but all around me I saw evidence of women and men living side by side as equals and of women working instead of staying home. Eventually, I felt that I had to make a choice between the two sets of beliefs, because there was no way to reconcile them and I was tired of trying juggle the two mindsets. I was also tired of being asked to accept things simply on the basis of faith or faulty evidence. I wanted a faith that was more intellectually honest.

Of course, because I had been indoctrinated to believe that the COC is the one true and right church with all the answers, I had feelings of guilt over my inability to "let go of self" and blindly believe as everyone around me did. So instead of leaving, I went through the motions, doing as I was told, but internally I held back, so I never truly felt that I was part of the group. I never really had friends in the church, for that reason, and I suppose that it made it easier for me to leave in the end.

It took me a long time, with several missteps, but I finally made my way to the back pew and slipped out the door. I did a lot of studying, praying, and soul-searching, because I was afraid that I was doing wrong by leaving, but I finally had to admit that my faith in the COC was not authentic. It was something imposed on me by my parents (who were doing what they believed was right, so I have absolutely no resentment or anger against them), not something I freely chose. If I had been free to choose, I never would have picked such a dead, restrictive religion, one that stifles individual freedom and makes it so hard for people to love themselves, others, and God.

Always Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

2007-04-29T14:31:00.000-07:00

Last fall I went to the doctor for a routine check-up. Everything was fine, and my blood test results were excellent--no signs of anemia, diabetes, or thyroid problems, and my cholesterol numbers were perfect. I should have been happy to be in such great health, right? Wrong. Instead, I fell into a deep funk because I was worried that this good fortune would soon be followed by something awful--like, I dunno, inoperable cancer--either as a punishment or test by God.

When I was growing up in the COC, I was taught that true Christians cannot possibly be happy on this earth, because it's not our true home. We won't be happy until we're dead and go to Heaven to be with God. So if things are going well in your life and you are happy, then just be warned that it won't last. If you're living your life right, then God will test you to see if you remain faithful during adversity. If you're doing something wrong, then God is going to punish you--just you wait.

But what if your life is going well and has been for a long time? Then you need to be really worried, because this means that God is no longer testing you. He has given you up to your hardened reprobate ways and no longer cares about your spiritual development. If you're happy for a long time, then you're on the highway to hell, my friend.

This is why I can't fully relax and enjoy my good health and other blessings. Even though I no longer believe any of the above intellectually, those old emotional patterns are deeply ingrained and almost impossible to remove. I'm trying to overcome this; I have some positive sayings that I repeat to myself to try to dispel the anxiety, and sometimes it works. It's an uphill battle, though. I can't stop worrying that the other shoe is not just going to drop but squash me flat.

Is the COC a Cult?

2007-04-15T12:10:00.000-07:00

I recently watched the PBS documentary about Jonestown. It was extremely disturbing and brought back a lot of equally disturbing memories. I was a kid when the mass suicide occurred and I remember being freaked out when I learned that it was the parents themselves who gave the cyanide-laced Kool-Aid to the children--many of whom were my own age. I also remember that it set off a wave of anti-cult hysteria and accompanying sermons at church. Preachers denounced Jim Jones as a false prophet and outlined mind-control techniques used by cults, so that we could recognize and avoid them. The funny thing is, when they would talk about the mind-control techniques, I remember thinking, "But our church does some of those same things!" I never voiced my doubts to anyone, of course.

Here are the ways in which I believe that the COC is like a cult:

1. The COC claims to be the only group in the world with The Truth and to have special, secret knowledge about it.

2. They try to get people so involved with the group that they don't have time for anything else. They schedule multiple church services, classes, groups, and potlucks each week and then make people feel guilty for not attending every one of them.

3. They encourage people to give their money exclusively to the church and not to other charities. For some reason, the United Way is particularly hated by some COC-ers. I've never gotten an adequate explanation as to why that is.

4. Any hint of dissent or doubt is quickly stifled, and those who persist in asking questions are asked to leave or are accused of spreading false doctrine.

5. Finally, the COC tries to convince people that if they leave, their lives will be ruined. They say that life in the "outside world" is shallow and meaningless and that no one will ever love you as much as your fellow COC members. If you do leave, they make it as difficult and painful as possible by withdrawing friendship and fellowship from you.

Here are some key differences between the COC and cults:

1. The COC does not encourage people to leave their families. In fact, the Ozzie-and-Harriet model of a stay-at-home wife and breadwinner husband with 2 or 3 kids is considered to be ideal.

2. If you have a family, then you have to have a job to support them, and so you have money to give to the church, so no one is ever encouraged to leave their secular jobs and devote their lives completely to the church or move to a compound in a remote location.

3. Physical abuse is not used in disciplining church members. There's plenty of browbeating and guilt-mongering, but no one ever fears for their physical safety.

4. No one will physically stop you from leaving the church. As I mentioned before, they'll make it as emotionally painful as possible, but you can walk away if you wish.

5. The COC's insistence that the Bible is their sole source of spiritual authority keeps it from veering into truly wacky territory. I've seen some strange preachers preach some strange things, but if they stray too far from what the Bible says, they get fired or pulled back into line by the elders and deacons. It would be hard for a COC preacher to start claiming absolute authority for himself, as Jim Jones did, given the COC's tradition of adhering to the Bible as closely as possible.

But to answer my own question in the title of this post, I don't believe that the COC is a cult, in the strictest sense of the term. I believe that it's a sect with some unfortunate cult-like tendencies that make it difficult and even toxic for those who are reared in that environment. If the COC could rid itself of its cult-like insistence on conformity, it might not be such a bad place.

It's Like A Funeral Every Sunday

2007-04-05T16:11:00.000-07:00

In a previous post I noted that the church of Christ does not officially celebrate Easter, although many people let their kids dress up and have Easter baskets and Easter egg hunts after church. Some people even object to that, however, and at the church where I grew up, we were treated to an anti-Easter sermon every year. We were exhorted not to celebrate it because it's based on a pagan holiday, and the Bible doesn't tell us to celebrate Christ's resurrection just once a year. Instead, true Christians celebrate it each Sunday when we observe the Lord's Supper.

I was trying to explain this to an acquaintance of mine recently, and when I mentioned the weekly celebration of the resurrection, she asked, "So was each service something joyous and celebratory?" I replied, "No, actually it was more like a funeral. We were told how evil and sinful we were and how we should be ashamed and guilty that Jesus had to die for us in the first place." She mentioned that doing that every Sunday must have been depressing and demoralizing, and it was. When you combined the negative messages with the dirge-like singing and dull sermon, it really was like attending a funeral every Sunday. I never felt much joy or enlightenment. There wasn't much to help me grow or become a better person. In fact, I felt stifled and repressed. Going to church was a chore, something you did to rack up brownie points with God, not something you did out of love or devotion. I'm so grateful that I found a way out and don't have to live like that any more.

On that note, let me wish you all a blessed and joyous Easter, however you choose to celebrate it.

Chaos Versus Control in the Church of Christ

2007-03-24T12:21:00.000-07:00

The CoC has a serious identity crisis. You can call it bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, but by whatever term you choose, if the CoC were a human being, it would be seriously mentally ill. The problem is that it veers between the two extremes of being very rigid and controlling and being utterly chaotic, and the mixed messages that you receive as a child in that environment are maddening. Let me give you a few examples.

The church service: The CoC likes to say that everything is done "decently and in order," yet it rejects any sort of liturgy as being man-made (and Papist, to boot). So, although there is some structure to the service (in fact, every single CoC I've ever attended has followed pretty much the same order of service), if you look beneath the surface, things are quite chaotic. The sermon is on whatever random topic the preacher chooses. The scripture reading, if any, is often a Psalm and usually has no relevance to the topic of the sermon. And the song leader can usually be seen picking out a few random songs just moments before the service starts, usually choosing them on the basis of whether the congregation can sing them, not whether they match the sermon topic. At the end of the service, when they ask whether any of the men have any announcements, instead of just reminding folks about the potluck in the park on Saturday, some people would take it upon themselves to use the opportunity to denounce fellow members in front of everyone. I used to hold my breath at the end of every service, hoping that no one would say anything controversial so we could just get out of there and go home to dinner.

Prayers: Again, because the CoC rejects liturgy, it insists that prayers be spontaneous and from the heart. Of course, it's hard to come up with something eloquent on the fly. So what this means in practice is that you either get the guy who rambles on aimlessly for 10 minutes or the guy who recites the exact same prayers that he's been saying since the Nixon administration. As a side note, the kids in the CoC Bible classes are taught to memorize the Lord's Prayer, but the church never recites it during a service, labeling it "vain repetitions."

Church organization: The CoC is officially not a denomination because there is no central council or synod that determines what goes on in the churches. However, the CoC behaves like a denomination in many respects, and there is an informal network of preachers, deacons, and elders that gets together and shares ideas for how to do things. So wherever you go in the United States, all the CoCs look, sound, and act exactly alike. It's quite spooky, actually.

Church doctrines: Here's where it gets sticky. On the one hand, unlike them durn Catholics, who don't read the Bible and just let their priests and Pope tell them what to do (Disclaimer: this is the CoC's view of the RCC, not mine), the CoC is democratic in that everyone is free (and encouraged) to read the Bible for himself and form his own opinions and convictions...but the church is the pillar and foundation of the truth...but you're supposed to work out your own salvation in fear and trembling...but if you do something another member doesn't like, you're accused of offending that person or causing him to stumble...and if everyone else in the church believes something, you'd better believe it, too, or they'll start procedures against you for spreading false doctrine.

Interpersonal relationships: The CoC is a breeding ground for dysfunctional, codependent relationships. You aren't responsible just for yourself, you're also responsible for the feelings of everyone in the church, so a great deal of emphasis is placed on conformity with middle-class living standards and appearances. There are people in the church who take it upon themselves to try to control every aspect of everyone else's lives, to make sure that they're setting a good example to the outside world. I found that aspect of church life to be very suffocating and controlling. At the same time, however, we're supposed to be a peculiar people, who aren't afraid to stand out from everyone else and be different for the sake of the Lord. So, we're a bunch of conforming noncomformists? It makes the mind reel.

I strongly suspect that this tug of war in the CoC has its roots in its beginnings as a backwoods church, populated by people who were living a hardscrabble life and barely getting by. Every day was a fight to keep chaos and ruin away, so church was a refuge of order and calm. Even today, the few people who are converted to the church from other religions tend to be people whose lives are in disarray--those coping with drug addiction and alcoholism, mental illness, or family breakdowns. They like having someone tell them how to live their lives and give them a formula for salvation. To be fair, in the short term, I have seen some people benefited greatly by that external control. What always happens, unfortunately, is after they get their lives together, they start to grow and study and question the CoC doctrines and practices, and then they get into trouble with the rest of the congregation. The church simply can't tolerate dissent, and those folks almost always get kicked out. So the church helps chaotic people get their lives under control, and then casts them out into the chaos again. If that isn't mentally ill, I don't know what is.

You Can Check Out Anytime You Like, But You Can Never Leave

2007-03-04T14:15:00.000-08:00

One of the central tenets of the CoC tradition is that once you're a member, you're a member for life, which means that even if (or after) you try to leave the church, the leadership still has the right to "discipline" you for your sins and infractions. Even if a person says, "Please take my name off your membership list," the church believes that the person is still a member and that it has the right to instruct that person in moral matters.

However, the church reserves the right to kick you out anytime it likes. What other churches call "excommunication" the CoC calls "disfellowshipping." It's very similar to the shunning practiced by the Amish, although it's not nearly as extreme. You are allowed to talk to someone who has been disfellowshipped, but only for the purposes of trying to persuade that person to come back to the church. You can't have a friendship with that person any more. If a member of your immediate family who lives in your house is disfellowshipped, you obviously are allowed to have contact with that person (although some preachers and elders will tell you that you should kick that person out of the house), but technically you're not supposed to eat meals with him or her (there's a Bible verse they quote for this rule, but I can't remember it off the top of my head).

This doctrine of "once a member, always a member" has gotten the CoC into legal hot water. There was a fairly famous case in Oklahoma in 1989, Guinn v. Church of Christ of Collinsville, in which a former member successfully sued her church for invasion of privacy because, despite the fact that she sent the church a written letter resigning her membership, they still broadcast the details of her alleged sin to the church and caused her a great deal of embarrassment. The Oklahoma State Supreme Court ruled that one of the fundamental parts of freedom of religion is the freedom to not only choose and join a religion but also to leave that religion if you wish. The case was appealed and settled out of court, but this precedent has been cited in other church harassment cases, particularly cases of Mormons who have tried to leave that church and have encountered obstacles.

No one in my childhood church ever got sued, but a couple of guys came close. There was a young man from the community who was converted to the church under false pretenses--specifically, the preacher who converted him knew that the guy was married to a woman who had been previously divorced (which the CoC believe to be a sin) but he didn't tell him that it would be a problem for the church. A few months after he became a member and had begun to make friends in the congregation, they suddenly sprung it on him that he would have to separate from his wife because she was committing adultery by being married to him. As you might imagine, the guy was horrified and refused to acquiesce to the church's demands and instead decided to leave the church. All of us were instructed to pray for him, and two of the men from the church started calling him, writing him letters, and showing up unannounced on his doorstep demanding that he "study" with them. After a few weeks, the target of their efforts got fed up and told them that if they didn't cut off all contact immediately, he'd have them arrested for stalking and harassing him. Of course, those 2 guys didn't believe they were doing anything wrong. They believed they were trying to rescue a soul in error, and there was much praying and hand-wringing over how hardened that sinner's heart had become. I wish the guy had sued them and put them in their place. All of this goes to show how dangerous cult-like sects such as the CoC can be, because they truly believe themselves to be above the law and that anything--lying or misrepresenting church doctrine--is permissible if it's done in order to save a soul.

The Road to Hell Is Paved with Good Intentions

2007-01-28T09:04:00.000-08:00

I like to joke that, on any given Sunday at any given church of Christ, one of only four possible sermons is being preached: (1) Everything Fun Is Sinful, (2) Why We're Right, Everyone Else Is Wrong, and They're All Going to Hell, (3) Let's Study One Word from One Obscure Bible Passage Until We All Pass Out from Boredom, and (4) Women Were Put on this Earth to Make Dinner, Make Babies, and Keep their Mouths Shut. But there's one more sermon that's possibly even more toxic and soul-crushing than all the others combined: Why Everything You Do, No Matter How Small and Innocent, Could Send You to Hell.

Such sermons usually went along these lines: "Billy was a good little CoC boy who went to church 3 times a week with his parents. When Billy was 7, he became good friends with Bobby, a boy from his school. Unfortunately, Bobby's family was not part of the one true and right church. Things were innocent enough when they were young, but as the boys grew, Bobby tempted Billy to do terrible things like smoke and drink and watch R-rated movies. One night, when the boys were 16, Bobby and Billy got drunk, took Bobby's father's car out for a drive, and were killed in a terrible accident. Since neither of them had been baptized, they went straight to Hell. None of that would have happened if Billy hadn't befriended Bobby when he was 7 years old."

I heard many sermons like that in my years growing up in the CoC. The names and details were changed, but the overall message was consistent: any action, no matter how innocent, could eventually, through unforeseen circumstances, lead to you losing your soul. The net effect of a lifetime of these sermons was devastating. Essentially, the people in the church become the Frozen Chosen. They're frozen in their pews, afraid to get out and do or say anything or socialize with anyone who isn't part of the church (except to try to convert them) for fear of accidentally sinning or doing something that might lead to sin. They seem to have forgotten completely about God's grace and instead focus on a judging, vengeful god who is looking for any opportunity to strike them down. They live in a constant state of fear, worried about every word, deed, or thought and how it might be sinful. I think they should stop worrying about going to Hell. They're already there.

Life in the Witness Protection Program

2007-01-15T08:51:00.000-08:00

Recently I told a friend about the measures I have to take to hide from the church of Christ. I have to be very careful about what I post on-line under my real name, because any hint of impropriety will immediately be reported back to my family, and then the CoC Mafia will come after me with all guns blazing. They call it "love bombing," a practice whereby they take extraordinary measures to get a person to "return to the fold." It'll start with letters and phone calls asking me to come back and wondering whether someone in the church hurt my feelings (it's never assumed that you have studied and reasoned and come to the conclusion that the CoC is wrong about something), and if my response isn't sufficiently conciliatory, then they'll start showing up on my doorstep unannounced asking to "study" with me so they can show me the error of my ways. My friend said, "Gee, it's like you're living in the witness protection program!" and she's right. CoC-ers are relentless when they're trying to win back "a soul in error." Some of them, the True Believers, really are concerned. They sincerely believe that the CoC is the one true church and if you're not a member in good standing, you're damned to an eternity in hell. Others, however, are more interested in social control. They take it personally when someone dares to defy the church and leave it. Those are the ones who can get vicious with the name-calling and accusations of sin. I've seen it get really ugly with other escapees. One guy had to call the police to get two of the men from my childhood congregation to stop harassing him. I just don't need that drama in my life. Things are difficult enough as they are.

You Have the Right to Remain Silent

2006-12-16T11:54:00.000-08:00

A couple of months ago, I was accused by someone of being pathologically secretive because I refused to share a certain piece of information with her. I still maintain that it was none of her business, but it got me thinking about the fact that I do tend to hide my emotions and true opinions from most people. Now that my mom is gone, there are only five people in the world with whom I feel I can be completely honest, and two of them are my siblings.

It's hard for me to open up and trust anyone, and I know that it's related in part to my CoC upbringing. I learned early on that whatever you say can and will be used against you. For example, I never told anyone what I was reading, listening to, or watching, because I knew it would be condemned. I never shared my hopes and dreams because I knew they would be disdained. I never gave an honest opinion because I knew it would be disparaged.

I also learned never to admit sin or weakness of any kind in public. The CoC has a tradition that if you've sinned in some public way, you must make a public confession before the entire congregation. Most people "came forward" at the end of the service when the preacher would issue the "Lord's invitation" (the Baptists and some other denominations call it "the altar call"). Making that "walk of shame" down the center aisle was like blood in the water, and the sharks would begin circling as soon as the final Amen was said. I saw so many people targeted for scrutiny because they were "weak" and needed guidance from the "stronger" members. In other words, if you admitted to sin or asked for help, your life was no longer your own. You were giving the elders and deacons the right to tell you how to live your life. So I kept my mouth shut, even during times when I really could have used some help and support. And I continue to live my life as if I've been read my Miranda Rights, knowing that information is power, and if you give people information about your life, they have power over you.

(Un)Holy Days

2006-11-18T10:49:00.000-08:00

The church of Christ officially does not celebrate religious holidays. There is no Christmas pageant with the kids cutely flubbing their lines. There is no glorious Easter celebration with trumpets and lilies. In fact, every Easter Sunday, we were treated to a sermon explaining why true Christians don't celebrate Easter because it has its origins in pagan holidays (never mind the fact that Christianity itself is a blend of Jewish and pagan traditions). And around this time of year, we started getting lectures about how Christmas really isn't Jesus' birthday because we don't know for certain when he was born. In this regard, the CoC is very close doctrinally to the non-Christian sects, such as the Jehovah's Witnesses and the Mormons, and is completely out of step with the rest of Christianity (which it rejects as being apostate anyway).

Despite the church's official stance, many people in the church do have a Christmas tree and presents and they let their kids hunt Easter eggs and have a basket full of candy on Easter Sunday. But they hide it from the more conservative members for fear of offending them. My parents never had qualms about us celebrating these holidays at home, but we were told that there was no religious significance to these holidays. They were merely cultural expressions, like Thanksgiving and Memorial Day.

The first time I attended an Easter Sunday service, I was blown away. It was so beautiful that I just sat there and cried. I had also participated in Lent that year, and to have those 40 days culminate in such a gorgeous celebration was deeply moving. For the first time in my life, I truly felt like a Christian, in the largest sense of the word. I felt joy to know that, on that day, Christians all over the world were celebrating together, and I felt such relief at being free to feel that joy without holding back or worrying that I was doing something wrong or offensive. By rejecting Christian holidays, the CoC cuts itself off from the rest of the Christian world and is the poorer for it. I can never go back to such poverty of spirit after having had a taste of something far better.

Women Are Second-Class Citizens

2006-11-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

The one point of church of Christ doctrine that I never believed or accepted is that women are inherently inferior to men. Of course, if you ask a CoC-er about this, they'll deny teaching that women are inferior and will insist that the sexes are equal in God's eyes, but that men and women have different "roles to play" in life and that women are not supposed to have leadership over a man in any circumstances. A woman's primary role is to be a wife and mother and stay at home if it's at all possibly economically, while a man's role is to be a husband and father and rule over his household, including his wife.

Whether or not a CoC preacher comes right out and says that women are inferior, however, the attitude of the men in the church is crystal clear. Women are treated with utter condescension, especially if they try to question the men. A woman's opinion carries no weight. Her concerns are met with scorn. And no matter how well educated she is, she still can't possibly understand the ways of God as well as the men do.

I never accepted that I was inferior. Even as a child, I'd look around the congregation and think, "I have to let one of these idiots tell me what to do? I'm smarter than all of them put together!" So even though I did accept other bizarre doctrines, the issue of women's inferiority was the fault line around which everything else eventually cracked. It didn't make sense to me that God would give me intelligence and talent and skills and yet expect me never to use them, because the only acceptable occupation for me was being a wife and mother.

There are some amazingly wise and talented women in the CoC but they're never allowed to share that wisdom or use those talents simply because they lack the correct genitalia. Meanwhile, there are men who are stupid and rude and toxic who are allowed to bellow whatever they want from the pulpit simply because they're men. How is this fair or right? How does this help the church grow? How does this demonstrate that God loves everyone equally? It doesn't, and it's one of the primary reasons I had to leave the CoC.

Don't Hold Me Back

2006-10-28T12:11:00.000-07:00

I know that everyone has their struggles and problems, but growing up in a cult-like church really puts a stranglehold on your development because pretty much everything is forbidden. For example, my siblings and I weren't allowed to take swimming lessons because swimsuits are immodest clothing. We couldn't watch a lot of popular TV shows because they were "dirty" or "immoral." Same thing with popular music. Surprisingly, they didn't censor our reading, which was good for me. I never would've learned anything about sex otherwise. (Speaking of sex, that's going to be a separate post entirely. I still haven't gotten past the negative attitude the church has toward sex and the human body and struggle with a lot of guilt.)

We couldn't participate in school activities on Wednesday nights because we had to go to Bible study every Wednesday. Sundays were a total wash because we had to go to church twice, for a grand total of 3 hours (or more): an hour of Bible class (NOT Sunday school--Sunday school is "denominational") and an hour of church in the morning, and then another hour-long service in the evening. Given that the preacher was enamored of his own voice, those Sunday services usually ran overtime, so it almost always ended up being a total of 4 hours spent in church. If you add in the commuting time (since the church of Christ in our town wasn't "scripturally correct" enough for my dad), you're looking at a 5-hour church extravaganza once a week. It was exhausting and demoralizing. I never wanted to go.

More important, the church held us back socially. We weren't supposed to associate with anyone except members of the church, but since we were the only ones in our school, we didn't have too many other options. To be fair, my mom was aware of this and never forbade us from having non-CoC friends. They did have to come from good church-going families, though. Every now and then, dad would have an attack of guilt and try to order us not to associate with non-CoC people, but mom would always make him back down. Thank goodness she had a more-level head. If it hadn't been for her providing a buffer between dad and me, I probably would have killed myself when I was 15.

So we were allowed to have friends who weren't part of the CoC, but we were also supposed to be trying to convert them. I hated being told to invite my friends to church. I disliked going myself, so why would I want to inflict that on people I liked? I did invite them a few times, just to assuage my guilt or make my dad happy, but I always felt sick about it.

What makes me most angry about growing up in a sick, twisted church like that is that you can never stop judging people. You can't ever open up and love them because you're supposed to be busy judging and converting them. Leaving the church was liberating on many levels, but perhaps none so important as letting go of that need to judge. For the first time in my life, I felt free to fully accept another human being, flaws and all, and love that person in return. You can't do that when you're a fundamentalist. It's not a healthy way to live.

Life In a Fishbowl

2006-10-02T06:20:00.000-07:00

In my hometown (population 3500), everyone knows everyone. They know all your business, sometimes even before you do. So there was no hiding the fact that my family was involved in a crazy cultish church. The funny thing is, my hometown is dominated by another crazy cultish church that broke off from the Mennonites about 100 years ago. People who are involved in that church run the show, because their ancestors were the ones who first settled that area and founded the town; thus, they own all the land and pretty much everything on it. People who aren't members of that church but are members of the mainstream denominations and the Catholic church aren't the pillars of the community but at least they're accepted and not treated as outcasts. Not so with my family's church. We were the weirdest of the weird. To make matters even worse, there was a church of Christ in our town, but it wasn't "scripturally sound" enough for my dad, so we had to travel 15 miles 3 times a week (twice on Sunday, once on Wednesday night) to another town to go to church. I even had kids ask me, "Why doesn't your family go to a church here in town?" I never knew what to tell them. How could I even begin explaining all the convulted doctrinal reasons for it? We may as well have had targets painted on our backs.

Definitions

2006-10-02T06:02:00.000-07:00

The church from which I escaped is the Church of Christ. We're not talking about the United Church of Christ--that's a liberal mainstream denomination. I wish I'd been brought up in a church like that. Maybe I wouldn't be such a mess. We're also not talking about the International Church of Christ. They're closer to an outright cult.

The church into which I had the misfortune to be raised is the nondenominational church of Christ. Within that group there's a wide spectrum of beliefs. Most CoCs are fairly close to the mainstream and do things that normal churches do: they have food pantries and community outreach programs, they have Christmas and Easter programs for the kids, and they support institutions that help people in need (such as orphanages and homeless shelters). Churches like that account for about 80% of the CoCs. I grew up in one of the remaining 20%: the "anti" churches. They're called "anti" because they're against everything. They don't use instrumental music in their worship services, they don't support institutions such as orphanages, they don't feed poor people (unless they're also members of the CoC, and even then they'd better be "deserving" of help), and they don't celebrate Christmas and Easter. They also don't accept other Christians as being legitimate. They believe that they're the only ones who have the truth about God and the Bible and that if you go to any other church, you're going to hell.

I'm not going into an exhaustive list of the CoC's beliefs and practices here. There's an excellent Wikipedia article that covers pretty much all of it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_of_christ. The one thing I want to emphasize here is that they are fundamenalist in their approach to scripture. They believe that every word of the Bible is literally true and that any other interpretation is not legitimate. Anyone who has read the Bible knows that it's full of contradictions and discrepancies, but since the CoC believes that there can be no contradictions (because it's all literally true), they expend an incredible amount of energy in trying to reconcile and explain away those discrepancies. My theory is that the preachers and elders emphasize this approach to scripture to keep people busy, so that they don't have the time or opportunity to ask uncomfortable questions--such as, "Why does all our money go to support the preacher, who drives a Caddy, instead of helping the poor?"

Where Do I Begin?

2006-09-30T13:08:00.000-07:00

I used to try to be normal. I longed to be normal. I wanted to be like the other kids at school--pretty, popular, easy-going. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fit in. Part of it was me. I was shy and withdrawn. But the biggest problem was that my family belonged to a church that borders on being a cult. When you grow up in that weird, airless environment of a small Midwestern, fundamentalist church, you can never be normal. Your life can never be like the lives of your friends or the people you meet. You will always be on the outside looking in. You will never fit in with the wider culture, no matter how hard you try. This is my story of how I got out of that church and learned to stand on my own two feet. I'm still not normal, but at least I escaped with my sanity and my soul. Normal is not an option....