Always Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

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Last fall I went to the doctor for a routine check-up. Everything was fine, and my blood test results were excellent--no signs of anemia, diabetes, or thyroid problems, and my cholesterol numbers were perfect. I should have been happy to be in such great health, right? Wrong. Instead, I fell into a deep funk because I was worried that this good fortune would soon be followed by something awful--like, I dunno, inoperable cancer--either as a punishment or test by God.

When I was growing up in the COC, I was taught that true Christians cannot possibly be happy on this earth, because it's not our true home. We won't be happy until we're dead and go to Heaven to be with God. So if things are going well in your life and you are happy, then just be warned that it won't last. If you're living your life right, then God will test you to see if you remain faithful during adversity. If you're doing something wrong, then God is going to punish you--just you wait.

But what if your life is going well and has been for a long time? Then you need to be really worried, because this means that God is no longer testing you. He has given you up to your hardened reprobate ways and no longer cares about your spiritual development. If you're happy for a long time, then you're on the highway to hell, my friend.

This is why I can't fully relax and enjoy my good health and other blessings. Even though I no longer believe any of the above intellectually, those old emotional patterns are deeply ingrained and almost impossible to remove. I'm trying to overcome this; I have some positive sayings that I repeat to myself to try to dispel the anxiety, and sometimes it works. It's an uphill battle, though. I can't stop worrying that the other shoe is not just going to drop but squash me flat.

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