When Dysfunction Is the Norm
I try hard not to lay all my psychological and social maladjustment at the door of the Church of Christ, because there are other issues at play, but one thing I can definitely blame on them is my tendency to get involved in dysfunctional organizations and relationships and stay much longer than I should. This has happened to me in several different contexts, including civic organizations, book clubs, hobby-related groups, friendships, homeowners associations, and even jobs. I'll get involved, realize that it's dysfunctional and toxic and that I'm not happy, but I'll stay in hopes that if I just work hard enough, I can change things and make them better. In fact, I'll labor under the delusion that I can change the other people and their behavior and make the situation better, until finally something really horrible will happen, and I'll "hit rock bottom" and realize that I have to leave. And even then, I'll feel terrible guilt about it, like I'm responsible for everyone else involved. This is definitely a legacy of my upbringing in the COC.
Every single COC congregation I ever attended was dysfunctional. There was always some controversy over doctrine, or a personality clash (often disguised as a controversy over doctrine), or endless arguments over how to spend the church's money. The conflict was pretty much constant, as people fought with each other over the most ridiculous, picayune things ever. They would fight over whether to renovate the building (carpet or tile? wood panel or drywall?), whether to hire or retain a preacher ("Brother Preacher is great!" "No, he's terrible and we should fire him." "If you do, me and my family will leave!"), over which version of the Bible they would have in the racks on the backs of the pews (or whether it was "scriptural" to have Bibles in the racks in the backs of the pews, since everyone should be bringing their own Bibles from home), and even whether to capitalize the "C" in "Church" on the sign outside the building (I'm NOT kidding; that capitalization fight was particularly ugly). The list is literally endless. You name it, I guarantee that a Church of Christ congregation somewhere has fought over it. And every congregation I ever attended inevitably split over one issue or another. They just can't keep it together and live in harmony. This splitting is discouraged, of course. People are urged to stay and "fight the good faith" or "contend for the truth." Leaving the COC altogether simply isn't an option, because it's the one true church, and if you leave, you're condemning yourself to an eternity in hell. So you can congregation hop and even start your own congregation, but you can never escape the underlying inherent dysfunction.
Thus, you can see why endless turmoil in an organization seems normal to me, and why I have such a high tolerance for it. For those of you who didn't grow up in a church where people got into shouting matches during Wednesday night Bible study, this is going to seem really stupid and obvious, but it was a HUGE revelation to me when I realized something several years ago: If I'm not happy in a situation, I am free to leave. It happened after I got involved in a local non-religious organization that turned out to be particularly toxic. Naturally, I stuck it out way longer than I should have, because I hoped things would change, because I felt sorry for the president of the organization (who really was trying to turn things around), and because there were a few people there I really liked, but during one especially contentious and obnoxious group meeting, I thought, "I hate this. I don't want to do this any more." And then it hit me: "I should leave, and I can!" I mean, I was so used to feeling trapped, because no one is ever allowed to leave the COC, that it didn't occur to me that I could just walk away. It was completely liberating. I walked away and have never regretted leaving, just like I don't regret leaving the COC.
Nowadays I try to be more on my guard about tolerating toxic people and organizations and I'm much quicker to walk away when things go bad. Life is too short and I don't want to waste my precious time on people and organizations who are just out to use and abuse me. I deserve better.
Every single COC congregation I ever attended was dysfunctional. There was always some controversy over doctrine, or a personality clash (often disguised as a controversy over doctrine), or endless arguments over how to spend the church's money. The conflict was pretty much constant, as people fought with each other over the most ridiculous, picayune things ever. They would fight over whether to renovate the building (carpet or tile? wood panel or drywall?), whether to hire or retain a preacher ("Brother Preacher is great!" "No, he's terrible and we should fire him." "If you do, me and my family will leave!"), over which version of the Bible they would have in the racks on the backs of the pews (or whether it was "scriptural" to have Bibles in the racks in the backs of the pews, since everyone should be bringing their own Bibles from home), and even whether to capitalize the "C" in "Church" on the sign outside the building (I'm NOT kidding; that capitalization fight was particularly ugly). The list is literally endless. You name it, I guarantee that a Church of Christ congregation somewhere has fought over it. And every congregation I ever attended inevitably split over one issue or another. They just can't keep it together and live in harmony. This splitting is discouraged, of course. People are urged to stay and "fight the good faith" or "contend for the truth." Leaving the COC altogether simply isn't an option, because it's the one true church, and if you leave, you're condemning yourself to an eternity in hell. So you can congregation hop and even start your own congregation, but you can never escape the underlying inherent dysfunction.
Thus, you can see why endless turmoil in an organization seems normal to me, and why I have such a high tolerance for it. For those of you who didn't grow up in a church where people got into shouting matches during Wednesday night Bible study, this is going to seem really stupid and obvious, but it was a HUGE revelation to me when I realized something several years ago: If I'm not happy in a situation, I am free to leave. It happened after I got involved in a local non-religious organization that turned out to be particularly toxic. Naturally, I stuck it out way longer than I should have, because I hoped things would change, because I felt sorry for the president of the organization (who really was trying to turn things around), and because there were a few people there I really liked, but during one especially contentious and obnoxious group meeting, I thought, "I hate this. I don't want to do this any more." And then it hit me: "I should leave, and I can!" I mean, I was so used to feeling trapped, because no one is ever allowed to leave the COC, that it didn't occur to me that I could just walk away. It was completely liberating. I walked away and have never regretted leaving, just like I don't regret leaving the COC.
Nowadays I try to be more on my guard about tolerating toxic people and organizations and I'm much quicker to walk away when things go bad. Life is too short and I don't want to waste my precious time on people and organizations who are just out to use and abuse me. I deserve better.
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