You Have the Right to Remain Silent
A couple of months ago, I was accused by someone of being pathologically secretive because I refused to share a certain piece of information with her. I still maintain that it was none of her business, but it got me thinking about the fact that I do tend to hide my emotions and true opinions from most people. Now that my mom is gone, there are only five people in the world with whom I feel I can be completely honest, and two of them are my siblings.
It's hard for me to open up and trust anyone, and I know that it's related in part to my CoC upbringing. I learned early on that whatever you say can and will be used against you. For example, I never told anyone what I was reading, listening to, or watching, because I knew it would be condemned. I never shared my hopes and dreams because I knew they would be disdained. I never gave an honest opinion because I knew it would be disparaged.
I also learned never to admit sin or weakness of any kind in public. The CoC has a tradition that if you've sinned in some public way, you must make a public confession before the entire congregation. Most people "came forward" at the end of the service when the preacher would issue the "Lord's invitation" (the Baptists and some other denominations call it "the altar call"). Making that "walk of shame" down the center aisle was like blood in the water, and the sharks would begin circling as soon as the final Amen was said. I saw so many people targeted for scrutiny because they were "weak" and needed guidance from the "stronger" members. In other words, if you admitted to sin or asked for help, your life was no longer your own. You were giving the elders and deacons the right to tell you how to live your life. So I kept my mouth shut, even during times when I really could have used some help and support. And I continue to live my life as if I've been read my Miranda Rights, knowing that information is power, and if you give people information about your life, they have power over you.
It's hard for me to open up and trust anyone, and I know that it's related in part to my CoC upbringing. I learned early on that whatever you say can and will be used against you. For example, I never told anyone what I was reading, listening to, or watching, because I knew it would be condemned. I never shared my hopes and dreams because I knew they would be disdained. I never gave an honest opinion because I knew it would be disparaged.
I also learned never to admit sin or weakness of any kind in public. The CoC has a tradition that if you've sinned in some public way, you must make a public confession before the entire congregation. Most people "came forward" at the end of the service when the preacher would issue the "Lord's invitation" (the Baptists and some other denominations call it "the altar call"). Making that "walk of shame" down the center aisle was like blood in the water, and the sharks would begin circling as soon as the final Amen was said. I saw so many people targeted for scrutiny because they were "weak" and needed guidance from the "stronger" members. In other words, if you admitted to sin or asked for help, your life was no longer your own. You were giving the elders and deacons the right to tell you how to live your life. So I kept my mouth shut, even during times when I really could have used some help and support. And I continue to live my life as if I've been read my Miranda Rights, knowing that information is power, and if you give people information about your life, they have power over you.
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