We Missed You

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As I've written before, I've been attending an Episcopal church and singing in the choir for about 18 months, and I love it. Recently, I was out of town for a weekend, and the next Sunday, one of my fellow choir members said, "I missed you last week." And do you know what my ex-church-of-Christ knee-jerk reaction was? I immediately apologized and launched into an explanation of where I was. She stared at me for a second and said, "You know, when I say I missed you, I just mean that I missed you. I really enjoy singing with you. That's all." I said, "Oh" and made some joke to cover up my embarrassment, but I was really touched that she said that.

Why did I react that way? It's because, in the COC, "We missed you" really means, "We're keeping tabs on you and your errant ways, and if you miss one too many services, the elders will be contacting you." No one ever "misses" you because they truly like you as a fellow human being and enjoy spending time with you. It's just about making sure that all the butts are in the pews at each and every service.

At two different congregations I attended, the ushers took attendance at every service using a sheet of paper with everyone's names on it, organized by family surname. They would go down the rows, marking down who was present and who was absent. At one congregation, the elders had an explicit policy that if you missed more than three services without a good explanation (e.g., illness or travel--working wasn't a valid excuse for missing church because your true vocation is serving the Lord), they would call you or show up on your doorstep to find out where you were and to get you back on track. When you're constantly being monitored like that, is it any wonder that I feel like I grew up in a damn police state?

Anyway, I can't decide whether it's funny or sad that, although I've been out for >10 years, I still think that people have an ulterior motive when they say, "I missed you." Sometimes I fear that I'll never be fully de-programmed. It's very discouraging sometimes.

Comments

eyerollfacepalm said…
I can relate to this, especially after hearing a CoC family member talking to another CoC member about me behind my back recently without actually being behind my back. There's nothing more reassuring than hearing someone close to you tell someone else about how "unfaithful" or "rebellious" you are, even though you're closer to God than you've ever been before.

I had a "we missed you" moment from the other side of the table the other day when someone I was looking forward to seeing at church wasn't there--I had to make a concentrated effort not to immediately contact the person and to give him/her a little breathing space to do as he/she liked. Deprogramming can be a difficult, ongoing process.
November 11, 2013
Little Miss Weirdo said…
Hi, eyeroll. That's frustrating about your family members. Dontcha love how they somehow know your heart and are qualified to judge you?

I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who has deprogramming issues, but it sounds as if you handled that situation well by giving your friend some room.
November 16, 2013
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