Book Review: Leaving the Fold
I'm in the middle of re-reading Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion by Marlene Winell. My first read of it was about a month ago, and now I'm re-reading it because it's so good and has been extremely helpful. I really wish I had read it 20 years ago when it was first published, because I think it would have helped me get over some of those huge emotional hurdles of leaving the COC much faster. It would have helped me realize that I wasn't crazy and that I certainly wasn't the only person facing the challenges of leaving a toxic church.
It has also helped me better analyze the dysfunctional dynamics of my family. For a long time, I thought my family's problems were unique, but they really aren't. One point that Winell makes in the book is that children of fundamentalist parents often have psychological problems and profiles similar to those of children of alcoholics. Whether the parent's addition is alcohol or religion, the dysfunctional relationships that result are the same. That was a big "light-bulb" moment for me, because it explains so much that is wrong in my own family. There is a pattern of avoidance, as the children learn to tiptoe around the parent for fear of setting him or her off into a rampage. There is also a pattern of denial, as the parent pretends that everything is fine, in order to avoid facing reality, and expects everyone else to do the same. The children learn to keep secrets, because they know they can't be loved for who they truly are.
Many fundamentalists believe in strict and severe corporal punishment, which often crosses the line into abuse. They also tend to demand more maturity of kids than what they're capable of displaying, and they often punish kids for failing to act as mini-adults, instead of the immature children they really are. Absolute obedience is demanded and strictly enforced. Thus, children of fundamentalists often fail to mature normally because they never learn to make choices on their own.
Winell also makes the point that, in some ways, it's worse for kids of religious addicts because our society sees religion as something that is inherently benign. No one will censure people for psychologically abusing their kids with stories of eternal damnation in the flames of hell, whereas alcoholic parents will eventually be brought to heel by the state if they abuse and neglect their kids too much.
The first half of the book is spent describing the problems faced by former fundamentalists, and the second half of the book contains cognitive therapy exercises designed to help people overcome the negative thinking and programming they received. Some of the "inner child" talk is a bit hokey for my tastes, but I think the underlying concepts are good and I've found them helpful to consider as I continue on my journey away from religious legalism. If you've left a fundamentalist church or are trying to help someone who has left, I can't recommend this book enough. I think you'll find it extremely helpful.
It has also helped me better analyze the dysfunctional dynamics of my family. For a long time, I thought my family's problems were unique, but they really aren't. One point that Winell makes in the book is that children of fundamentalist parents often have psychological problems and profiles similar to those of children of alcoholics. Whether the parent's addition is alcohol or religion, the dysfunctional relationships that result are the same. That was a big "light-bulb" moment for me, because it explains so much that is wrong in my own family. There is a pattern of avoidance, as the children learn to tiptoe around the parent for fear of setting him or her off into a rampage. There is also a pattern of denial, as the parent pretends that everything is fine, in order to avoid facing reality, and expects everyone else to do the same. The children learn to keep secrets, because they know they can't be loved for who they truly are.
Many fundamentalists believe in strict and severe corporal punishment, which often crosses the line into abuse. They also tend to demand more maturity of kids than what they're capable of displaying, and they often punish kids for failing to act as mini-adults, instead of the immature children they really are. Absolute obedience is demanded and strictly enforced. Thus, children of fundamentalists often fail to mature normally because they never learn to make choices on their own.
Winell also makes the point that, in some ways, it's worse for kids of religious addicts because our society sees religion as something that is inherently benign. No one will censure people for psychologically abusing their kids with stories of eternal damnation in the flames of hell, whereas alcoholic parents will eventually be brought to heel by the state if they abuse and neglect their kids too much.
The first half of the book is spent describing the problems faced by former fundamentalists, and the second half of the book contains cognitive therapy exercises designed to help people overcome the negative thinking and programming they received. Some of the "inner child" talk is a bit hokey for my tastes, but I think the underlying concepts are good and I've found them helpful to consider as I continue on my journey away from religious legalism. If you've left a fundamentalist church or are trying to help someone who has left, I can't recommend this book enough. I think you'll find it extremely helpful.
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