Normal Is Not An Option

When I was growing up in the COC, there were very few people who had converted from the outside. Everyone else was born into it like I was. As a kid who was neck-deep in it and perfectly miserable, I used to wonder, "Why would anyone come here if their parents weren't forcing them to?" Most of them converted because they wanted to marry someone who was a member of the church. The COC teaches explicitly that marrying a non-Christian (which, of course, means anyone who isn't a member of the COC) is a major sin. They refer to it as being "unequally yoked with an unbeliever." So getting your fiance to join the church is a big coup. The other group of people who converted were those going through some trauma--adultery, divorce, drug or alcohol addition, or a major illness--and they were looking for answers. And if there's anything the COC loves, it's giving answers for everything and telling people how to fix their lives. I guess this issue is on my...

The other day, I was telling my sister about participating in the church bake sale and how we're having extra choir rehearsals in preparation for Christmas Eve, and she suddenly laughed and said, "I love how you're doing all these heathen church activities! People in the church of Christ would be shocked and appalled! Of course, I don't know which of us they would hate more--you for going to a church bake sale or me for going out to buy smokes, booze, and lottery tickets?" I had a good laugh and said, "I think they would say I'm worse than you, because at least you're not actively participating in a false religion. They would think they still had a chance at converting you back." I encountered this attitude many times over the years when I was in the church of Christ. Someone would "fall away" (i.e., stop attending church three times weekly), but as long as they didn't join a different church, there was always the hope that they c...

As I've written before, I've been attending an Episcopal church and singing in the choir for about 18 months, and I love it. Recently, I was out of town for a weekend, and the next Sunday, one of my fellow choir members said, "I missed you last week." And do you know what my ex-church-of-Christ knee-jerk reaction was? I immediately apologized and launched into an explanation of where I was. She stared at me for a second and said, "You know, when I say I missed you, I just mean that I missed you. I really enjoy singing with you. That's all." I said, "Oh" and made some joke to cover up my embarrassment, but I was really touched that she said that. Why did I react that way? It's because, in the COC, "We missed you" really means, "We're keeping tabs on you and your errant ways, and if you miss one too many services, the elders will be contacting you." No one ever "misses" you because they truly l...

I try hard not to lay all my psychological and social maladjustment at the door of the Church of Christ, because there are other issues at play, but one thing I can definitely blame on them is my tendency to get involved in dysfunctional organizations and relationships and stay much longer than I should. This has happened to me in several different contexts, including civic organizations, book clubs, hobby-related groups, friendships, homeowners associations, and even jobs. I'll get involved, realize that it's dysfunctional and toxic and that I'm not happy, but I'll stay in hopes that if I just work hard enough, I can change things and make them better. In fact, I'll labor under the delusion that I can change the other people and their behavior and make the situation better, until finally something really horrible will happen, and I'll "hit rock bottom" and realize that I have to leave. And even then, I'll feel terrible guilt about it, like I'm...

As you might imagine, I can't help but compare my current experiences at an Episcopal church with the ones I had growing up in the COC because they're polar opposites--and because sometimes I can't believe my good fortune in escaping. This past Sunday, two things happened that reminded me of the joyless rigidity of the COC. First, right before the service started, a little boy was skipping around the sanctuary, and no one reprimanded him or yelled at him. In fact, everyone who saw him smiled at him. I turned to the woman next to me and said, "Look at that little boy! At the church where I grew up, he would have gotten yelled at or slapped for not showing the proper respect in the church building." I don't think she entirely believed me. Then, during the communion, we sang a lively African-American spiritual, complete with hand claps, and when the song ended, a small child in the back yelled, "Yaaaaay!" and applauded vigorously. Everyone laughed fon...

Recently, I read Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief by Lawrence Wright. It's a fascinating look at a secretive religion that many people claim is a cult. After reading this well-researched book, I would have to agree. It certain fits the generally agreed-upon definition of a cult . I've said before on this blog that I do NOT think that the COC is a cult , but rather a sect with cult-like tendencies. However, as I was reading this book, I did see some disturbing parallels between Scientology and the COC. First, they both claim to have specialized knowledge of an ultimate truth that no one else in the world understands. Second, they strongly discourage members from associating with people outside the group. The COC is especially adamant that you have to marry within the church, lest your "unbelieving spouse" be a bad influence on you and lead you away from The Truth. Third, it's really hard to get out of both groups without losing your ...

That's not true, but I've always loved the scene in the original version of the movie "Hairspray" when Divine complains that her daughter is, "All ratted up like a teenage Jezebel!" By the standards of our society at large, I was a very good kid who got good grades and never got into trouble, but by the ridiculously perfectionist standards of the church of Christ congregation we attended, I was a source of major turmoil. When I was 15, I decided that I didn't want to attend the teenagers' Bible class any more. I was the only girl, and the boys teased me viciously. The male teachers (because of course, women weren't allowed to teach boys older than 12, lest they usurp authority over a man) just sat there and did nothing, no matter how much I complained. This had been going on for years, and I finally reached my limit and announced to my parents that I wasn't going to that class any more and that I would be more than happy to sit with the adu...

For about a year I've been attending an Episcopal church, and I've been part of the choir for almost 6 months. It has been an amazing experience, filled with joy and wonder. The first Sunday I sang in the choir, I called a friend, who knows all about my experiences in the COC, to tell her about it. She said, "Were you wearing a fancy robe?" I said, "Yes, of course." "And was there a stained-glass window behind you?" "Yup." "Well, weren't you afraid that lightning was going to come through that window and strike you down?" I laughed and said, "You joke, but the thought did cross my mind!" I sometimes chuckle to myself during church services when I think how people who knew me in the COC would react if they saw me there in my robe, singing up front instead of in the pews, and singing with an organ or piano, instead of a capella, as the COC demands. I imagine their stricken faces, followed by their stern lect...

Yesterday I had a long, lovely conversation with an old friend who also grew up in a fundamentalist denomination (not the church of Christ) but is now a Catholic priest. He asked me if I ever go back to the CoC and what that's like, after being away for so long, and he asked me to blog about my experiences. So here goes. I do go back to the CoC on rare occasions when I visit elderly relatives who are still involved in it (and who don't know that I've left). As for what it's like, I guess it depends on the day. Sometimes it makes me sad, because my relatives are so unsure of their own salvation, because they believe in an unloving, unforgiving god who is just waiting to strike them down. I really wish they could know the joy and comfort of God's grace. Sometimes it makes me angry, especially when the preacher goes on and on about how all those other churches are wrong about, well, everything, and the CoC is the only church that preaches The Truth. TM Sometimes, t...

Imagine that you're a small child, and someone forces you to put on a suit that doesn't fit. The jacket is so tight that you can't lift your arms. You feel strangled because the neck is too tight. The pants don't allow you to move freely. You have no freedom to move and run and jump and play like all the other kids. And it itches. Now imagine being told that you have to wear that suit for the rest of your life, because God ordained it. God chose that suit for you, and God knows best. God has a plan for your life, and it means wearing that suit every day until the day you die. In fact, if you ever take off that suit, God will cast you into hell for all eternity. Even questioning the suit (why do we have to wear it, why doesn't it fit better, how do we know for sure that God wants us to wear it) is a sin. Imagine how you would feel--bewildered, frustrated, perhaps even angry--over not being able to choose your own suit or at least alter this one so it fits better. ...

A few months back, I read " Dating Jesus: A Story of Fundamentalism, Feminism, and the American Girl " by Susan Campbell. It's about her experiences growing up in the church of Christ. She went to a much more liberal church than I did, but I still could relate to her story, for the most part. No matter what branch of the CoC we're talking about, the women will be repressed, to one degree or another. And for some of us, no matter how hard we try to conform, we can't accept second-class status and have to leave. I especially liked her metaphor at the end of the book (I think it actually was her brother who said this) that fundamentalism is like a sword that broke off in her. No matter where she goes in life, that piece is still stuck inside and she can't get rid of it. I completely understand what she means. I suppose it's that way with any damaging childhood experience--you can never undo what was done. In any case, it's a very good book (there is a lot...

Sometimes when I'm trying to explain the church of Christ and its negative effect on my life to my friends who didn't grow up in it, I feel as if I'm no longer speaking English. The words I'm saying simply don't compute with them. For example, they can't even imagine a church that rejects instrumental music, or refuses to celebrate Easter, or doesn't have a food pantry or give money to a homeless shelter. That's what a church IS to them. It's the very definition of a Christian religious body. Sometimes they don't even believe me and think that I'm pulling their leg. And who could blame them? The COC is so bizarre and insular and out of touch with reality that it seems like a bad joke. This is one of the reasons I'm so grateful for the ex-Church of Christ support board (the link is to the right of this post). There are people on that board who actually speak my language, who grew up in the COC and know what a bizarre little world it is. I...

Today is Pentecost Sunday--not that you'd know it in a church of Christ. I don't know about the mainline or liberal congregations, but the conservative non-institutional branch of the COC emphatically does not observe the church calendar in any fashion. A Sunday is a Sunday is a Sunday, all the same, forever and ever, world without end, amen. Thus, it's always fun for me to observe the changes that occur at my new congregation as the liturgical year progresses. In honor of Pentecost, the decorations, candles, and vestments are red, symbolizing the tongues of fire that hovered over the disciples on the very first Pentecost. The readings, songs, and sermon are all about the Spirit and how it inspires us to love our fellow humans and gives us power to do good in the world. Such talk of the Spirit would be shockingly out of place in the COC where I grew up. I remember that sermons on the Holy Spirit were few and far between, and they tended to be more about what the Spirit does...

Just wanted to wish everyone a healthy and prosperous new year. Hope you had a lovely holiday season, however you chose to celebrate.

Hope y'all are enjoying the holiday. I'm getting ready to go to a friend's house for dinner, so this post will be brief. What am I most thankful for this year? Well, among (many) other things, I'm thankful I have friends who want to see me and spend time with me because they actually like me, not because we get together and play church 3x weekly. I'm thankful to have a job, especially after being laid off for most of last year. I'm thankful for my family's good health. And I'm especially thankful for the freedom I have in Christ--the freedom from the destructive legalism of the COC. It's been almost a decade since I decided I had to leave, although it took me a few years to actually escape. I'm so much happier and life has been a lot easier since I stopped judging and started loving. The freedom to love others without constraint--that's one of the greatest blessings of all. Happy Thanksgiving!

Once in a blue moon I attend a COC, usually when I visit elderly relatives who are deeply involved in it. Now that I've been away from it for so long and have had a taste of the calm beauty and reverence of a liturgical service, the COC services just seem weirdly absurd to me. It's as if they're playing at church, checking off a list as they make their way through the Five Acts of Worship (sing, pray, give, communion, and sermon) to punch their heavenly time cards. It's rushed, chaotic (I addressed the underlying chaos of the COC in an earlier post ), arid, and Spirit-less. And in the end, it's all futile, because they really don't believe that anyone will get into heaven, because getting into heaven requires perfection, which is impossible. So why even bother? Why go through those motions thrice weekly just on a 1-to-million shot that god will be in a good mood when you die and NOT condemn you to the eternal flames? Why not just enjoy your life and be happy? It...

The title of this post pretty much sums up my policy with regard to my family and the COC. I've never told them that I left the COC, and they've never asked me about it. I think they just assume that I'm still going, possibly because I've never criticized the church in front of them or expressed my doubts about it. For a long time I felt weird about this, as if I'm deceiving them. But where is it written that full disclosure is obligatory with your family? If I'm an adult living on my own and paying my own way, then aren't I entitled to a certain amount of privacy? Also, am I not allowed to make my own decisions regarding church and faith without explanation or apology? My conscience is clear in that I know what I believe and why I believe it. Furthermore, what purpose would it serve to tell my family, especially the elderly ones who are deeply entrenched in the COC? It would just upset them, and it's not as if there's even a remote possibility of ha...

I used to do daily Bible reading when I was in the COC, but after I had read the whole book cover-to-cover about a dozen times, I was more than a little burnt out. Now I pretty much limit my Bible reading to the lectionary readings each Sunday. So this year, instead of giving up something for Lent, I decided to add daily Bible reading to my routine for the 40 days leading up to Easter. I found an online lectionary and downloaded daily readings specifically for Lent, and I've really enjoyed it so far. Yesterday's epistle reading included the first 3 verses of I Corinthians chapter 13: "If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gai...

In recent, separate discussions with both of my siblings, they have mentioned the fact that it makes them sad that our surviving parent's love for us isn't unconditional, which is the ideal for parental love. As is often the case, unfortunately, the "good parent" (i.e., the one who DID love us unconditionally) died far too young and left us to deal with a parent whose judging of us usually gets in the way of loving us. Ideally, your parents will love and accept you no matter who you are or what you do. But in our family's case, love and acceptance are predicated on adherence to the COC's rigid rules. If we were to let our true thoughts and beliefs (and the fact that we've all left the church) be known, we would be cast out and disowned. In fact, that has already happened with one of my siblings, so the rest of us hide our true selves. Our parent will never know who we really are, because our true selves would be abhorrent. I won't blame the entire situ...

The COC is obsessed with heterosexual marriage. In all my years in the COC, I lost count of all the sermons and classes we had on "the family." Typically, such classes and sermons were just a rehashing and reinforcement of the strict gender roles described by Paul's letters: the husband is the head of the wife, and she's supposed to be obedient to him, and the kids in turn are supposed to obey the parents. If it was a ladies only class, you can bet we studied the "godly woman" described in Proverbs chapter 31 , ad nauseum. The COC's doctrine about the family isn't complicated, but we had to go over it again and again and again. I wondered why at the time, but now I realize that the church and its patriarchal structure were threatened by the rise of feminism in the 1970s. Thus, they felt compelled to harp on this one subject endlessly, to prop up their gender hierarchy. This emphasis on strict gender roles means that the ideal in the COC is that e...